This is how the story plays out for all of us…..

It is my belief that karma originates in intent, not in actions. Intent guides actions and karma follows suite. It is a smooth simplistic process, much like throwing a boomerang. This is something very deeply personal I am sharing with you without details from a bird’s eye view. It may trickle down and give some of you pause, as it should. No one escapes karma.

Imagine a boomerang and an aboriginal man in the desert of Australia. He throws his boomerang out into the open air. He is practicing his hunting skills. He is a provider for his family. His aim is true, steady, and his intent is just. Jordon is this man. The boomerang hits its target and returns home by gliding and landing firmly in his hands. Karma works the very same way. Intent. Action. Return.

Conversely, another man with anger and resentment in his heart is going out to throw his boomerang.  Denial of his past. Self-rightousness.  Bad communicator. Blaming others. Bad intent, even if the outcome turns out well, still starts with bad intent. It is the same act with a different outcome and vastly different karma. Here’s the hidden truth that you cannot run from.

The boomerang knows your intent. And the boomerang is karma.

If you have bad intensions, but follow with good outwardly-appearing actions you will still have to deal with the boomerang. Unfortunately, if your intentions originate in goodness, but somehow go awry, then you are a couple of notches up, but you will still feel the effects. It’s like punishing a good kid to help them remember right from wrong. It’s done in their best interest.The boomerang is also a teaching tool.

Now, both men are walking back from their practice in the sand. The clearing and purification of our thoughts and intent is a good investment for us to make in our lives. One of the best gifts we can give ourselves is to look back at our footprints. What do our footprints look like in other people’s lives- the lives of our children, our families, our friends and co-workers? Are the prints showing up beside them or did we walk on them? Did we walk away? Did we carry them? Did we stomp on their hearts by telling them they would never amount to anything and leave lasting scars? Did we play footzies in the sand with them and say “I love you’s” all the time?

Deflection, avoidance of the truth, and non-communication show foot prints moving out into the desert. It is hot there and the sand burns. Good intent followed by positive actions puts one’s feet on the cool grass in the middle of a meadow on a spring afternoon.

Some great advice was given to me by a good friend recently.  When connecting with others “Respond rather than react. Co-create your relationships with people around you by letting the energy flow with an open heart that allows for unselfish understanding, focus your intent on loving and sharing positivity with others” and the boomerang will know…

There is a changing up of rituals that are familiar to you that often happens after someone close to you passes away. The activities that you once enjoyed together no longer serve you. The feeling of the void is too much and it sucks out the enjoyment of it all. Such is the case with Jackson and I. As I have not spent time in the kitchen these days, Jackson has whole-heartedly decided to give up hockey. He and Jordon were so connected when it came to hockey. Practices, skate sharpening, lace tying, playoff games, all of it has complete connection with Jordon and the pain of losing him is too much too soon for Jackson. I completely understand what he is feeling. He is self-directing his healing process and I am amazed at his progress thus far.

Jackson and I are forging new territory right now. We are blazing through new ideas and activities and creating new memories and fun. He is trying out a new sport right now and I am excited for him- football. And he’s damn good at it too. I am sure it’s his American roots coming out in him. As I was thinking about this process and his new interests, I had a vision today that I want to share with you all.

An analogy came to me today that is a perfect example in my mind of recovery from grief. When an athlete has an injury, that person can get knocked out of the game. Sometimes it’s a quick sit-out, other times it’s career-ending. Grief is much the same way and how you heal makes all the difference. Through physical therapy, an athlete goes through the motions, working the injury towards recovery. Moving to “act as if” you can jump again or swing out, or press forward teaches the muscles to regain flexibility and strength. The act of trying helps strengthen and lengthen and lessens the chance of scarring setting in and creating long -term damage. If you are grieving and you go sit on your couch and you do not move and you do not nurture yourself- you can create permanent emotional damage and possibly not be able to return to the game of life that you once loved. You have to stretch your mind, exercise you body and soul, create a “living as if” environment to be able to move forward and get back in your game. Seize your day, score a goal, and celebrate with your friends.

I am getting emails, phone calls, letters, cards, and text messages from family and friends on a regular basis. The care and concern and love coming from you all keeps us afloat. It lifts Jackson and myself up and makes the day a little less heavy. My general response is “We are doing well. We have good days and bad days, good moments and hard ones.” That is true, but also generic and probably not the answer you are really looking for. And most of the time it is the easiest way to describe our days. It is easy to say those words because never before have I paid more attention to my own voice. I internalize and listen to my voice and thoughts and it seems a separate part of me on many days. I don’t have to hear me speak with my voice when I write. Maybe that’s why it is so easy for me right now. So tonight I write.

Tonight I am going to share what is in my heart. What my days are like. What I think about. I often share what I feel in terms of living in connection. Tonight I will share what it feels like to live in the separation. I lost the love of my life and the father of my son. Maybe in some way, this will help seal someone’s marriage, heal an emotional wound, strengthen a bond, or validate someone’s love for another. AllI can say to you is to see the horizon in life when it comes to the ones you love. The big picture. Sometimes the details are painful, but it is the big picture that counts. Now, down to the details.

In the morning I wake up and I feel a burn in my heart and a sting in my eyelids. I am starting the day without him lying next to me. The day is mine, not ours. I feel a little lost, and then I get my mind straight and continue about my morning. I think of calling my parents back. They are always worried and I often don’t have the energy to talk about it. I cant imagine what I would be feeling if Jackson had lost his wife and lived twelve hours away from me. Helpless I’m sure. I also get my coffee started and sit out on my deck and listen to the birds and noises of people going off to start their day. My days aren’t normal right now so I think about what it will be like when they are. Sometimes I write a journal entry, other times after I have sent Jackson off to school I start with the appointments and paperwork that is plaguing my life right now. It’s complicated when you are an American citizen living in a foreign country. That’s my morning.

The afternoon usually gets going and I involve myself in whatever it holds. This is the best part of the day-the busy, active part. It’s a distraction, but also I am practicing living “as if”. It is therapeutic and I know I will get there one day soon. Don’t know when, but I have the upmost faith that it will happen. I really want to start a book so maybe that will begin to unfold for me soon but I don’t really know what it should be about.

The evening. Jackson is home from school and the day is starting to slow down. This is often a tough time for me and sometimes for Jackson too. He once told me, “Our house feels so big now.” He feels the void as much as I do. I loved to cook dinner with Jordon. He would sit at our island in the kitchen and watch me dream up fun dishes for us to eat. I did the creative work and he would do the grilling-always the main course. We loved each other in the kitchen. It was our place. Now- I get in and I get out. I don’t care about cooking. I cook for Jackson, healthy foods, as often as I can. I often go to sleep at night feeling peaceful. I think this is his gift to me. He was always worried about my sleep. Truthfully I don’t sleep well and I don’t think Jackson does either. I think both our subconscious minds are still processing what has happened to us like a computer screen that is locked up and the “circle of thinking” is stuck on thinking. I have a dream catcher in the widow that I placed there with intent. It catches the bad dreams and it is working. Now we sleep, and in eight or so hours we start it all over again. There you have it- the beginning and the ending, the alpha and omega of our physical day, from a separation point of view. Maybe that’s the real question you have been asking, so I am sharing. Love you.

I find myself in a mind-flex sometimes. I guess the official correct term would be feeling the surreal. It is an out-of-body experience that you feel when something on a grand scale impacts your life. If it is a positive impact; for example, it could be excellent news, the birth of your child and when you get to hold him for the first time, the moment after you get married and walk back down the isle, the moment you realize you have met the love of your life, or when your son takes his first steps. Those are cherished surreal moments. Those are the ones that are fun to remember. And I am so grateful that I experienced so many positive moments like these already in my lifetime.

The other side of surreal doesn’t feel so good. It hurts. It is a temporary ungrounded feeling with a touchpoint attachment to a different plane that we do not see. It is the past colliding with the present and not being sure which dimension you are in. I hate those moments. I’m going along about my day and it hits me. What. Just. Happened this year…..Oh my God, he’s gone. He’s actually gone. Flashbacks of him in his hospital bed in our living room make their way to my mind. Scenes. Terrible ones of pain and suffering, worry, and lost hope. It can happen while I am driving to the store or while I am making breakfast in the morning. They are often when I least expect them and they throw me backwards for just a moment.

The negative side of surreal, when it hits you, has a vibration and internal sound to it in your mind like a musical narrative in a movie with a low, slow draw of a bow on the low end of a string of a base. Its resonating sound goes away when the bow reaches it’s end, and so does the memory, thank goodness.