Mind Stumbling



Mind-Stumbling. Electricity. Connectivity. Today I want to share what I now understand about disconnecting and re-connecting. It is a physical, mental, and emotional process. There is an outlet in the wall. I have always used the “3 prong approach” to all we do as a family whether it is grocery shopping, weekend trip planning, or connecting to those we love. Jackson, Jordon, and I were a team and we approached our lives and the ones we love in that fashion.

I met his wonderful group of friends a long time ago at a wedding. I fell in love with their laughter and their ability of stick-togetherness through thick and thin. I knew I was meant to be a part of this group. I wanted to be a part of this group. That weekend so many years ago I got to know Jordon even better. Any guy who has friends like this has to be a good guy. It sealed the deal for me. That “3 prong approach” is now a “2-pronger”. That first week after Jordon died and that feeling of physical separation was incredibly intense, which has since subsided slightly. Along with that terrible pain came this weird feeling and confusion. Honestly I am a little lost for words to describe it. I think the reason I cannot describe this concept well is there is a physical part of our minds. For example, when we lose someone whether through death, divorce, break-up, or what have you, in our minds we feel the pain physically. That pain manifests in our mind and spreads to our muscles and joints and heart and lungs. It affects our breathing and heartbeat. When we lose someone we love, our connections with those people (whom we have bonded to because of that person who has died) leave our mind during the physical separation after that person dies. It’s like physically losing half of what you know. Then the ability to reason and think and love fills that gap in your mind and a reconnection to those people you love takes over, re-adjusts, filling the other half of your physical mind. Through the “2-prong” approach you reconnect. It can happen instantaneously, or through a more detailed process. It is god-awful and it throws you into a tail-spin headed towards the ground. But you crash-land, begin to reason, love kicks in and so does memory. Those people haven’t gone away; you just have gone through the process of reconnection.

When people feel at loss for words and a sad awkwardness I think the process is happening to them too. In their minds a desire to reconnect with me is happening subconsciously. What to say, what to feel, and taking a first step towards a new relationship with an old friend is hard. Maybe it lasts 3 seconds, or weeks, or that process is so painful and confusing to some that they just disconnect all together. I haven’t had this happen yet, but I bet for some it sadly has.

I am a very analytical person, I know. Maybe others don’t feel what I feel. I have been to some great parties recently and half way through I have had to leave. The reconnection process is so strong and painful that it overwhelms me. The light at the end of the tunnel is that love over-rules and so does reason. It trumps fear and heartache. I am grateful for the reconnection process because it has helped brighten my love for you all and cleared any doubt that you all are incredibly important to me. What a purification process. An enlightenment. And it makes me smile and after the re-connection it puts an ease into my heart and helps heal.

One thought on “Mind Stumbling

  1. Reblogged this on Holly C Barker and commented:

    I am going to start a series of posts about reconnecting with people after loss. This isn’t just about death and passing on~ this happens to many of us through all kinds of reasons such as traumatic events, divorce, prolonged separation, abandonment, what have you. While reconnecting with others, there also needs to be new connections made. Making new friends, dating, and experiencing new places and interests is important to healing, being healthy, and moving forward in your life.


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