The Heart of the Matter

 

 

I am getting emails, phone calls, letters, cards, and text messages from family and friends on a regular basis. The care and concern and love coming from you all keeps us afloat. It lifts Jackson and myself up and makes the day a little less heavy. My general response is “We are doing well. We have good days and bad days, good moments and hard ones.” That is true, but also generic and probably not the answer you are really looking for. And most of the time it is the easiest way to describe our days. It is easy to say those words because never before have I paid more attention to my own voice. I internalize and listen to my voice and thoughts and it seems a separate part of me on many days. I don’t have to hear me speak with my voice when I write. Maybe that’s why it is so easy for me right now. So tonight I write.

Tonight I am going to share what is in my heart. What my days are like. What I think about. I often share what I feel in terms of living in connection. Tonight I will share what it feels like to live in the separation. I lost the love of my life and the father of my son. Maybe in some way, this will help seal someone’s marriage, heal an emotional wound, strengthen a bond, or validate someone’s love for another. AllI can say to you is to see the horizon in life when it comes to the ones you love. The big picture. Sometimes the details are painful, but it is the big picture that counts. Now, down to the details.

In the morning I wake up and I feel a burn in my heart and a sting in my eyelids. I am starting the day without him lying next to me. The day is mine, not ours. I feel a little lost, and then I get my mind straight and continue about my morning. I think of calling my parents back. They are always worried and I often don’t have the energy to talk about it. I cant imagine what I would be feeling if Jackson had lost his wife and lived twelve hours away from me. Helpless I’m sure. I also get my coffee started and sit out on my deck and listen to the birds and noises of people going off to start their day. My days aren’t normal right now so I think about what it will be like when they are. Sometimes I write a journal entry, other times after I have sent Jackson off to school I start with the appointments and paperwork that is plaguing my life right now. It’s complicated when you are an American citizen living in a foreign country. That’s my morning.

The afternoon usually gets going and I involve myself in whatever it holds. This is the best part of the day-the busy, active part. It’s a distraction, but also I am practicing living “as if”. It is therapeutic and I know I will get there one day soon. Don’t know when, but I have the upmost faith that it will happen. I really want to start a book so maybe that will begin to unfold for me soon but I don’t really know what it should be about.

The evening. Jackson is home from school and the day is starting to slow down. This is often a tough time for me and sometimes for Jackson too. He once told me, “Our house feels so big now.” He feels the void as much as I do. I loved to cook dinner with Jordon. He would sit at our island in the kitchen and watch me dream up fun dishes for us to eat. I did the creative work and he would do the grilling-always the main course. We loved each other in the kitchen. It was our place. Now- I get in and I get out. I don’t care about cooking. I cook for Jackson, healthy foods, as often as I can. I often go to sleep at night feeling peaceful. I think this is his gift to me. He was always worried about my sleep. Truthfully I don’t sleep well and I don’t think Jackson does either. I think both our subconscious minds are still processing what has happened to us like a computer screen that is locked up and the “circle of thinking” is stuck on thinking. I have a dream catcher in the widow that I placed there with intent. It catches the bad dreams and it is working. Now we sleep, and in eight or so hours we start it all over again. There you have it- the beginning and the ending, the alpha and omega of our physical day, from a separation point of view. Maybe that’s the real question you have been asking, so I am sharing. Love you.

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