Grief

IMG_0209Grief

 

Through this process that has occurred in my life due to the death of Jordon I have gained a hard-earned understanding that is very difficult to put in to words, but it needs to get out, to be expressed. We are limited here on earth by our 5 senses and our minds in our communication to each other and our ability to sense emotions and to feel and relate. There are concepts and words and expressions, colours, and emotions that we just can’t reach with our human understanding. They range from the elation of ascension into heaven all the way to the deepest despair and mass loss. We live our lives in the middle until something big happens. Why shouldn’t we? Grief brings us to the edge of what is known and gives you a glimpse into the farther truth if you allow yourself to look and absorb and remember. Grief is the 10 out of 10 on the emotion scale, and at some point we will all go through it. It is a valuable life lesson and a purification process. It can stop you in your tracks or launch you. Accept this process when it does happen. Absorb it. Ask for understanding and open your mind to forward-thinking thoughts. Act “as if” so you can see yourself going through your day. Do what you can to not get stuck. Reach out to people. Show love back. Accept help from others. Be grateful.

The Golden Rule

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This journal is about truth and simplicity and the “Golden Rule”

There is nothing complicated about the truth. There is no debate and no angles. And there is simplicity. The farther into complications and diversity in belief we get, the farther from the truth we find ourselves. This is precisely where religious dogma gets in our way and knocks us off our spiritual paths we were intended to follow. Judgment of others and their faiths or beliefs, man-made rules and behaviors and covenants that do not serve a greater purpose that are exclusionary, take us further away from simplicity and truth and all things inclusionary and good. We are all connected, and we bond to those we meet in our lifetimes that are in our paths for a reason. When we feel this, acknowledge it, and live by it we become enriched and graced with love and support and understanding from one another. That was the message from all the spiritual leaders and philosophers that have come through our different cultures over the ages. They all stated simple truths and if you notice, the ones that were stated that were most impactful and timeless- are the simple ones. The golden rule is a supreme example:

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Simple, complete, truthful, and enough to fill a lifetime of purposeful good intent that will pay you back richly with rewards.

The simple truth is we are all divine, all loved by a benevolent God, and given uniqueness for a reason. The uniqueness is for sharing and not for dividing. This message is simple but all-encompassing from the faith we chose to follow as a family all the way down to when the clerk in a store hands us too much change and then we decide what to do about it. It is one simple truth with an unlimited amount of examples and possibilities on how to apply it.

So how does this all relate to Jordon and why am I delving so deep into this discussion? The answer again is simple. Jordon lived by the golden rule and he was richly paid back in all ways possible. There were hundreds of people at his funeral and tributes and prayers coming from everywhere. He lived his life as justly as he could and I am in awe of how much he impacted others. His memorial service was truly a humbling experience and it serves as an example of a life well lived-

The Dream

We are never alone.

We are never alone.

The Dream

I see a canyon, deep and beautifully mysterious and lonely. The colors are ocher, yellow, reds, and maroon. The cliffs are steep and unforgiving. From my view I cannot see the bottom as it just fades into the darkness below.

I have an angel carrying me above it all. He shines and has magnificent wings. His robe is glowing softly and he is holding me tight. He will not let me fall unless I ask to be let go. We are moving across time and space and I cannot help but feel secure yet sad looking down below. Below is what my life could become. I am given an understanding while on this dreamy journey with my angel. I understand I have responsibility and accountability with this ride. I have free will and choice. I can either stay with him up high or I can find myself on a rocky cliff working my way out of this canyon.

I want to choose high. My mind, my heart, my actions, my love, my decisions, my intent and focus need to stay high. Because with him comes a feeling of oneness and peace. Below is separation and all the worldly feelings that belong to that separation. I could easily turn around and cuddle up to this loving, gentle angel but then I would not see and face my view of this canyon and my learning would not continue. Everything about this experience with my guardian angel is as it should be. I am looking down and not looking away yet I am being carried and held. My actions during this flight have outcome. I am still a flawed human, still in this world, and I am trying to understand. I think I may have figured it out.

Thank you for my dream, dear angel.

 

My Sign From Jordon……Believe and Notice

My Sign From Jordon......Believe and Notice

The medical transport came to pick Jordon up at our home on May 8th at 1:00 in the afternoon to take him to hospice. That night at 2:00 am, May 9th, Jordon passed away peacefully with me and his mom by his side holding his hand.
For two years I have been a subscriber to this website for positive thinking and I receive a message from them every day. An hour and a half after Jordon passed away at 3:36 am I received this email.

This is why I write.

Grocery Store Shopping with My Friend

Our loved ones who pass over speak to us through signs if we are open and believe and if we take the time to notice. The connection of enduring love truly does exist.

Grocery shopping has become as sticking point for me, especially the first week after Jordon died. It is the things that never occur to us that pose the biggest challenge sometimes. Shopping for food is one for me. The reason is Jordon and I were always in the kitchen together. We loved to cook, make up recipes, and invite friends over for smoked BBQ. Jordon would often get up during a summer weekend at 5:30 am and start smoking whatever was for dinner that night. There would be baked beans, slaw, cheap buns,and some unbelievably good smoked “something” many weekends. We would also take trips together and focus the vacation on the best restaurants to try. We would order a “tasting menu”, stay for three hours and a bottle of wine and make it memorable.

It is quite difficult walking through a grocery store these days. What do I buy now? It is a forced- physical separation decision and it’s taking some getting used to. I mainly stick to Jackson, my son and what makes him happy and healthy- and that’s a good energy directive in my book. The first shop was the worst. I was hit by the emotion as soon as the sliding doors opened, unaware of the daunting task that was so easy and often mundane before. I sort-of wandered around in a daze feeling the void and just picking up stuff and putting it back trying to decide if I was wanting it for me  because I couldn’t buy for my husband anymore. I think Jordon was with me that day, watching, hurting for me, making a game plan for my next visit. He was always a planner….

The next visit to the grocery store was the following week. I knew better how to function but was still dreading the task. As soon as the sliding doors opened a song started, loudly, above the noise of the customers as it was 5:00 pm and people were shopping on their way home from work. It sounded as if she were singing the words into my ears.  I never heard music played in this grocery store that I shopped at regularly before or for the rest of the year.  I am sure it was Jordon.

I shopped in peace that day knowing that everything was going to be okay…

-A ThousandYears-

 

 

Acceptance, Understanding, Continuum, and Connectivity

My name is Holly Barker and I am a newly-minted writer. My husband of 15 years and the father of my son died this year of Malignant Melanoma skin cancer. My mission is to write honestly about our journey and to share with those that are going through the same or similar experience of the loss of a loved one. I learned through this experience about the process of understanding, accepting, and living in the continuum and connectivity to our loved ones that have passed on. I have found a new understanding of grief and if you are stuck, maybe stay with me on this journey and it will help you, too.

via About.

The Lighthouse

photoI want to state my beliefs first. I believe in the universe, energy, God, spirit, focus, intent, and love. Pain and grief is a cleanser allowing you to enter and achieve a greater understanding of the process in life and why we are here. This process is the reason why the good die young. Have you ever met someone who right away you felt a connection and that you knew them? They felt familiar and comforting to some place deep inside your mind? There is a reason for that- we do know them. I believe we are all on a continuum and a journey and sometimes we go through our lives here on earth weaving in and out with the same people, yet choosing different lives to live to enrich our souls and to gain different perspectives that help us learn and to move farther on that continuum. I believe we all chose what we want and need and accept the challenge and then through birth we forget. That’s where free will comes into play and choices are made- life is a test and a journey.
I also believe there are no hierarchies in heaven and we are all on a continuum towards oneness with God and Spirit and each other. I think Jordon is far up the chain. He chose his path of difficulties for a reason and so do we all. Jordon chose the tougher path to gain a better understanding and a deeper meaning here on earth. His death serves as a reminder and a guide to us as to what is important and what to focus on. Anytime someone who is young and good dies young- it hits us all. The “why”question always comes into our minds. It causes a chain reaction of souls here on earth to understand the importance in life that they might not have otherwise understood by taking for granted the gifts around them or living in assumption that nothing will ever change. This can be mourned, but what can happen is a positive energy can overcome and an understanding and appreciation can develop. The choice is ours to take and we can see the beauty and majesty of our gifts on earth as it is in heaven.
I will give you an analogy of why the good die young. His death serves as a lighthouse. We are all on a boat at night. Look up and look out for there is a lighthouse guiding us around the rocks and craggy shoals of life. Soon we realize the triviacy of everyday problems, and our focus and path becomes clear. We begin to keep our eyes on the light it sends us. It casts out light-circling, warning, and guiding us to a safer shore. We now understand our course and know we are nearer to the truth and how to navigate our lives in a more steady and true direction. When someone good dies young it is a great sacrifice for our greater good-
The waves around the lighthouse serve us as well. Their rippling effect casts out waves that start where they begin and flow back to other shores across the sea-sharing what is learned by all, touching, and causing impact. If you feel this impact, that is good. Jordon is now my lighthouse and maybe he is for others too. I love my lighthouse.

Transition Day

Hi everyone!

I have officially decided to transition my journal entries on CaringBridge over to a blog.  I now have the energy and time to do it and I am excited!  CaringBridge is a God-send of a website that helps families in critical illness crisis communicate with their friends and families on updates about their loved ones who are ill.  With Jordon’s passing it is now time for me to move off that website and on to something more appropriate, and hopefully this will be it.

This blog is about sharing our family’s journey of before and after the death of my husband, Jordon Barker, from malignant melanoma, a deadly skin cancer.  I am going to write about everything in as honest a fashion as I know how.  After talking to so many of you out there, I hear similar stories all the time.  It is just a fact that people don’t talk in detail too much about illness, dying, death, physical separation, grieving, connectivity and believing in the signs from above.  I am going to write about it all.  Getting it all out is my road to recovery.  Please, please understand that this is not self-absorption, but rather sharing of what is in my heart and mind because I know this is a collective experience for us all, and I am just one person who is just driven to write about it.  After all, none of us escapes death and none of us escapes losing someone we love throughout our lives.  The grieving process can be different, I know it can.  I believe in continuum and connectivity and acceptance of physical separation.  My heart goes out to those that are stuck in the separation.  It is my mission to help those rise above being stuck and to live in the connection that is truly there for us to embrace.  And with moving forward comes happiness and grace that surrounds us with light.  Acceptance and living in connectivity is a gift for us to unwrap and to cherish, respect, and to learn from.