For my favourite Beatles fan:

Imagine. I am enjoying working on creating a vision of my new reality and what that means to me and to Jackson. Who do we want to surround ourselves with in moving forward into our futures? What kind of life do we want to live? What am I going to strive for? I firmly believe in intent. My intent is to fully invest, surround, and plant myself into the life I know Jackson and I deserve. All of us deserve to live full and happy lives. As this is happening I can feel the love and support and the freedom to move forward.. It is such a great feeling.

Ask and ye shall receive. How many times has that sentiment been quoted and do we really believe it? I do. When your requests come from your heart, and you set the intent, the universe will move in your favor. You just have to let it work for you. Imagine and then believe..



God is a Master Glass Blower

The process of grief is like the making of crystal or glass. We are sand, the basic elemental of glass, and God is a master glass blower. The sand burns in the fire to melt and mould it into something entirely different. To me, the fire is grief. It burns and purifies. Some souls get stuck in the fire not understanding what it is naturally there for. When grief is accepted, understood, and appreciated the person can remove himself from the fire, cool off, heal, and become reflective, clarified, and pure in thought and understanding.

What do you want your glass or crystal to look like? What do you want to refect back into the world knowing everything that you now know? How do you want to represent yourself to others? Recognizing that this is a personal choice gives you great power over your destiny. Life is about choices and freewill. You can choose the life of a utility glass and know that the world needs you. You can choose to be crystal capable of amazing reflectivity. Understand that either choice is good. Knowing you have the choice is what matters when going through the grief process. You have the ability to control, shape, and mould yourself after the fire. Have you ever watched glass blowers mould and shape crystal? They blow and shape and chip and cut away what does not serve. Time represents the cooling process and it heals. Then the light and energy from above strikes the crystal and a beautiful reflection is born.  You are now ready to go be shiny and helpful and serve your purpose.


Turning Life’s Obstacles Around

Taken from the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently

“Many of the most iconic novels, songs and inventions of all time were inspired by gut-wrenching pain and heartbreak. Therefore, the silver lining of these great challenges is that they were the catalyst to the creation of epic masterpieces.

An emerging field of psychology called Post-Traumatic Growth has suggested that many people are able to use their hardships and traumas for substantial creative and intellectual development.  Specifically, researchers have found that trauma can help people grow in areas of interpersonal relationships, contentment, gratitude, personal strength, and resourcefulness..

When our view of the world as a safe place, or as a certain type of place, has been shattered, we are forced to reboot our perspective on things.  We suddenly have the opportunity to look out to the periphery and see things with a new, fresh set of beginner’s eyes, which is very conducive to personal growth and long-term success.”






Our Visit to the Hospital

It is possible to live parallel lives. To me it is a blessing and a gift that God places in our hearts and minds for all of us. It is a healing and calming and coping mechanism for survival. I have spoken of it in the past- living “as if”. The need to put yourself where you want to be and living that life until you emotionally, physically, and mentally are ready to catch up to it. It is my saving grace- and Jackson’s too. It is possible in the same day to feel indescribably low and sad and then remind yourself of your “other life” and let it lift you up and out into happiness and peace. Jackson and I do this all the time. As an example- Jackson twisted his knee this weekend and has been on crutches ever since Sunday. After a couple of days we realized he wasn’t healing well we went to the children’s hospital. You don’t know when grief will hit you as you are living the “as if” life. Well, it hit us both as soon as we entered the hospital parking lot. I parked my car at the ER doors. I went to get a wheelchair. The absence and void hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m doing this alone- a sports injury with my 11 year old son at the hospital doors- the last place I want to be right now. It’s just us here with Jackson’s injury. It hit Jackson too. As he was lying on the hospital bed he looked at me and said “I’m angry at God. Why does he have to take the good people? Why did he take my Dad?” How do I answer that question? As soon as he said that shivers came over him and his teeth started chattering and I asked him if he was cold and did he need a blanket? He said “No.” He wasn’t cold, it was Jordon coming in to comfort him, letting him know he is there. He is always watching over Jackson. I told Jackson what was really happening at the moment and he settled down and a peace came over his face and we gave each other a hug. I am doing well on a personal level for myself- but with all things Jackson-related these things shatter me in a million pieces. But with grace, faith, and the love I feel for those around me, as soon as those pieces hit the floor somehow miraculously they bind back up and I am whole again. That’s what grief is to me- the momentary shattering and through love- the restoration afterwards. Breaking and binding. Sickness and then healing. Continuous learning and building upon the last experience. We both feel strong now- it is amazing to think what life will continue to evolve into in the future. I feel nothing but hope and gratitude in the end.

I love you Jackson- more than my heart can bare. Xo


Warrior Angels


One of the toughest days I had during the time between Jordon’s diagnosis and his passing was a particular day at the cancer center early on. He was going through a barrage of testing that week. He had a bone scan, an MRI, a biopsy, on and on….but one particular day was the hardest. His abdominal CT scan. That’s where the cancer was. There was a known factor in this scan. And it was going to be the determining outcome in Jordon’s time that he had left.

His pain had been increasing steadily so I knew this was not going to be good news. I felt a physical, emotional, and spiritual weight on my shoulders that day. It was so heavy. My speech was slowed, Jordon’s thinking was slowed. We barely talked. It was like we were going to a sentencing to hear judgment. The day was dark overcast. We parked and entered the cancer center. We turned down the hall to head towards the radiology department. It was like people were parting the way for us. I could feel an emotional energy around us that I have never felt before.

It made me look up and to my left and to my right. I had the sense that two huge giant warrior angels were walking beside us. One to our left and one to our right.   I imagined them worn-looking and dressed in Roman battle attire. Their wings were dirty from dragging on the floor. I really felt them. Was this my imagination? Maybe. But I have learned now since Jordon’s death to question my skepticism. They were going into battle with us walking down that hallway. I knew they were there for protection. We were never alone that day. They were there to support Jordon as he had to wait for hours in a crappy waiting room chair. His pain had become intense yet he was managing. They were there for me to keep me sane and somewhat strong enough.

Being a witness to physical trauma on a personal level is life-changing. Opinion changing. Motivation changing. Behavior changing.

In our worst hours we are not alone. These hours will play out at some point in everyone’s lives. There is inevitablility in truth. I do see angels, rarely, but I do. There, I admit it. But I think a lot of us do see or feel things out of the ordinary but it just doesn’t register or we don’t accept it.  We reason it away.  I didn’t see these angels, but somehow I knew they were there. That’s why I am telling you this story. Question your skepticism~ Lorna Byrne.  Believe you are special and you have a guardian angel that is always with you no matter whether you can see them or not. If you feel them, that’s good and don’t second guess yourself. You only have everything to gain and nothing to lose!


Afterthought that I want to share with you:

What is the purpose of the ability to imagine? What are our imaginations for? Imagination is the centre from which manifestation happens. Our imagination needs to be better understood. For as children when we felt and saw things we were told it was just our imagination. We then interpret our extrasensory perceptions as just that~ imagination with the connotation of it being not real and just a colourful thought. The root word is image. Where are these images coming from? What do they mean? When we believe and notice, we set this centre of our understanding on fire and the realization and purification of the fire brings in truth and clarity and then connection and understanding. Think on this.

The Tunnel of Light


Eight years ago in the late summer my new life was just starting. My mom and my sister and I found ourselves at a mountain retreat for a spa day. We all desperately needed it.  Jordon had just been diagnosed in July with Malignant Melanoma skin cancer. I had a four-year-old son and a busy career and family…. A spa day was in order. But what happened that day I will never forget. I haven’t spoken of it since but now I understand that it was meant for now. Not then. I would have gotten it wrong back then. Timing is patient and is everything sometimes.

I scheduled a massage. An earthy-looking peaceful woman called out my name and I followed her into the room where she preceded to wash my feet ceremonial style and then I got up on the table and laid down facing up. She came in and positioned herself above me and put her hands on my head. She started with slow circular movements on my head with her fingertips. That’s when it happened. A bright, luminescent, circular, yellow light appeared to me when I closed my eyes. Immediately tears began flowing. My eyes were drawn up into what felt like a tunnel. The pale yellow light was moving and flowing and shining like the sun without the burn. I could look straight into it and not feel pain. As soon as I acknowledged it I started to take my mind off my vision and onto what was happening to my heart. I literally felt it open and be pulled up. Drawn up. I felt this inescapable, magnificent, overwhelming, comforting, beautiful, peaceful, palpable love. The gate opened and a rush of amazing, forgiving, loving emotions came to me all at once. I thought of all my family and friends and I wanted to jump off the table and contact each one of you and tell you how much I love you. The binds and band-aids and scars on my heart instantly melted away and all that was left was love. I was so blinded by happiness!!! I was not spoken to. I was shown a feeling. I remember seeing letters and I was writing.

The session lasted an hour. I cried for an hour. I lived in Heaven for an hour. I know that now. I didn’t understand that then. I thought the massage therapist had some sort of mental trance on me. I reasoned it away and did not share what happened. I didn’t understand it as I was going through the darkest moments of my life at the time. I wasn’t ready to handle what I had seen and felt. I understand that it was meant for now. It is a deep, wonderful understanding of what happens to each and every one of us. What a remarkable experience! I know and feel where Jordon resides. It is a beautiful, wonderful place that escapes earthly words in any language. No literal understanding. No way for me to paint, sing, write, or speak of the love that is felt there. The important thing is that it exists and to not be afraid. Believe and notice.

The World Cup: In Communion

The World Cup. All are gathered in anticipation for the final game. It is a synchronic communion cup passed and shared in love among all countries and is inclusionary. Who are the players and why is soccer so important to the world at large? Simple. It is inclusionary. Soccer gathers all from all points of the earth to come together for the game. It is pure. Anyone, homeless orphan to multimillionaire has access to a ball, a field, and friends. Soccer is the sport of life. The playing field in soccer is levelled and the true best of the best rise to greatness. Everyone gets a shot at greatness. Other sports are wonderful, but due to many reasons are exclusionary in nature- money, time, travel permit only those with access to those elements. Other sports only show you partial truths as not everyone can show up to compete. Soccer is a sports metaphor for spiritual attainment and enlightenment. Everyone has access. It brings the world together and ignites passion and connection.
We are all players on the field. Running. Kicking. Diving. Passing. We move and stretch ourselves to our limits. It is a human dance done with grace and agility showing truth in action. The ball bouncing and soaring shows the unpredictability in life. We condition our minds and bodies to respond rather than react. Responding keep you ahead of the play and in control of you mind and actions. Reacting has you missing the point. The net. Not getting there in time and watching and missing an important opportunity go past you. When connecting with family, friends, strangers, loved ones- respond with positive intent and you will land your goal.


The Brighter, More Beautiful Road Less Travelled


There is a different definition of grief that I have decided to adhere to- what it means for me and how I have decided to embrace it. A grief counsellor told me two months ago exactly what was going to happen to me, my stages that I would go through, and that I was going to hit rock bottom in about 3 months. Really? Wow- without even knowing me she said that- albeit with good intent, which I understand. But I also believe negativity, doubt, and worry lead one to self-fulfilling prophecies. This journal might get preachy- and I am sorry for that, but I know differently.  I am now starting month three and I am feeling stronger, happier, and emotionally and spiritually and physically healthy.  I am proving her wrong.  🙂

Labels and stages, as so many like to define grief by, are not levels- and grief to me is levels. Levels with the ability to step up and forward or step back and down, or sideways- however many times and as how often as we need to. It doesn’t matter and it is a life-long process. There is no order to follow and no expectations that should be placed. What matters is keeping your eye on the end point- which is the beginning point to your new understanding and an appreciation for all the blessings in your life. Defining grief by normal standards is like pinning it to mean, median, or mode. We are all different and unique in our grief experience and to choose one point value for all is simply not right. Case in point. I just made a new friend last month. She is close to my age. She has 3 younger children. Her husband of 45 years of age passed away suddenly without any warning from a brain aneurysm. She didn’t have time to prepare or to say to him what she wanted to say. I had eight years to ground myself in knowing what might happen. She’s at a different level. Not a different “stage”. How should she define her grief? Both our vantage points are drastically different, but no less painful than one another.

I feel the missing link to all the writers and teachers of grief is the overwhelming connection to spirituality we have. Death is a crossing over not a “dead and gone”. When we pay attention to the signs from above we see and feel the continuum and learn to love and embrace the fact that we are never alone. There is no disconnection, but there is a physical separation that is inescapably painful beyond belief for a lot of people. It is fire in the heart. I am afraid that this is where so many of us get stuck. We have to change our perspective on grief and understand there is a physical separation but the connection will always be there. We can learn to live in that connection and not in the separation. My healing has come so fast and I will not fall victim to the mass definition and expectation of what has happened. My choice, because I have one, is to live in that connection to Jordon, to move forward with my new life and all that it gives to me and Jackson, and not the separation.