It is possible to live parallel lives. To me it is a blessing and a gift that God places in our hearts and minds for all of us. It is a healing and calming and coping mechanism for survival. I have spoken of it in the past- living “as if”. The need to put yourself where you want to be and living that life until you emotionally, physically, and mentally are ready to catch up to it. It is my saving grace- and Jackson’s too. It is possible in the same day to feel indescribably low and sad and then remind yourself of your “other life” and let it lift you up and out into happiness and peace. Jackson and I do this all the time. As an example- Jackson twisted his knee this weekend and has been on crutches ever since Sunday. After a couple of days we realized he wasn’t healing well we went to the children’s hospital. You don’t know when grief will hit you as you are living the “as if” life. Well, it hit us both as soon as we entered the hospital parking lot. I parked my car at the ER doors. I went to get a wheelchair. The absence and void hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m doing this alone- a sports injury with my 11 year old son at the hospital doors- the last place I want to be right now. It’s just us here with Jackson’s injury. It hit Jackson too. As he was lying on the hospital bed he looked at me and said “I’m angry at God. Why does he have to take the good people? Why did he take my Dad?” How do I answer that question? As soon as he said that shivers came over him and his teeth started chattering and I asked him if he was cold and did he need a blanket? He said “No.” He wasn’t cold, it was Jordon coming in to comfort him, letting him know he is there. He is always watching over Jackson. I told Jackson what was really happening at the moment and he settled down and a peace came over his face and we gave each other a hug. I am doing well on a personal level for myself- but with all things Jackson-related these things shatter me in a million pieces. But with grace, faith, and the love I feel for those around me, as soon as those pieces hit the floor somehow miraculously they bind back up and I am whole again. That’s what grief is to me- the momentary shattering and through love- the restoration afterwards. Breaking and binding. Sickness and then healing. Continuous learning and building upon the last experience. We both feel strong now- it is amazing to think what life will continue to evolve into in the future. I feel nothing but hope and gratitude in the end.
I love you Jackson- more than my heart can bare. Xo