This site is dedicated to my spiritual and physical journey before and after the death of my husband and the father of my son from cancer. It is about grieving, loving, understanding and sharing, and living in the connection while accepting the physical separation that passing on brings. It is also about moving forward in your life from whatever challenges life hands you and living the life that is wanted for you from above.
It was 5:30 am and I was still asleep when I had the lucid dream of Jordon last week. It was vivid and almost real. It was one of those dreams where you are in between consciousness and sleep. I was in the foyer. It was late morning. Jordon walked in in a rush with his work shirt on carrying his backpack. His face was pained. He looked at me and I said to him completely stunned, “Hi! You’re home?” He said, “Yea- I’m home from work early, I have a cold” as he was reaching into his backpack. His voice was clear as a bell. Jordon had a very distinctive voice. One that was very recognizable. It woke me up in an instant. As I was lying there still absorbing the dream not knowing if I should be happy that I heard his voice or sad that I heard his voice~ a vision washed over me. It was a memory flashback from last winter. We were in the doctor’s office, he and I. He had been called back to see her after taking a blood test and all his levels were way off. Almost everything. It was very disturbing to me and we were going in to talk about it. Our emotional environment on that day was like rising levels of concern in the situation. I was in the upper level feeling the alarm in my heart. Jordon was on the lowest level possible in his mind. There we were looking at each other from above and below with great disconnect. The doctor was in the middle. I decided to make light of the situation and I asked the nurse for some tape. I covered my mouth with tape and sat quietly. What else could I do?
Flash forward to the present. Gone is the disconnect. Gone is the uncertainty…..Gone is the tape I placed over my mouth. Tonight I have sat humbled listening to stories my friends have told me about how my sharing has impacted them in positive ways. I am one person with one story that we will all eventually experience in one form or another. I am sharing that experience in the best way I know how. We all need to share these experiences. We all need less fear and more acceptance of the divine experience of death. We are not alone. We are loved, provided for, and cared about from above. We all have the ability to see and feel the signs. It is Heaven’s language to us. It is universal and all encompassing. It is compassionate and truthful. The connection exists and it is beautiful. I will never put tape over my mouth again.
Conquering fear of the unknown is a high level accomplishment for any of us. Fear is your prison. It holds you back behind the metal bars of your mind. . It keeps you from experiencing joy and light and freedom of physical, mental, and emotional movement. Fear traps you in a cell of disempowerment and locks away the key. When we conquer our fears and move forward in our lives we become stronger for it. All the elementals are waiting for us- love, happiness, disappointment, success, failure, connection and disconnect. It is all there. Fear is what holds us back….not the disappointment. Not the failure or disconnect. When we conquer the fear in our heart, we will be strong enough to accept the negative elements that are in our world and to learn and grow from them. Conquering fear makes us stronger and it gives us the power to overcome the setbacks and hurdles that life sets in our way. Enlightenment happens at this point and we come full circle in our path. We can now enjoy and bask in all the gifts, peace, and happiness in our lives knowing fear has been laid to rest and whatever trials come our way can be overcome.
We see what we look for. We hear what we want to hear. We believe what we want to believe.
Last week I watched a news show. They are reporting on the murder of a journalist, politics and campaigning, and interest rates rising. Do we really stop to think that there is a whole world out there where positive things are happening? What made us a society that wants to focus on the bad? When did evil and hate and violence become the topic of choice and not love, compassion, treaties, and sharing? When did good elements fall out of favour? Here is my humble perspective for what it’s worth….
I have turned on the TV twice since Jordon died. Both times were to check the weather forecast. Last week was the first day I turned on the news. Wow! What a different feeling I have now as I watch what is going on in the world. I feel like I just returned from a space journey to land in a new time. I’ve had enough to deal with on my own little planet and other issues haven’t made my priority list lately. The murder and protests and economy and the slant and focus is sooo telling of where we all are. So perpetually negative. We are tuning in and plugging emotional energy into the negative. We see it on TV or other media, feel it, and absorb it and some of that energy manifests into our beliefs and value systems. It grows there. We become acclimated to it and accept it as truth. Well~ it isn’t Truth. We can change what we want to see and believe. We can turn with our own minds this darkness we feel around us that is omnipresent in the media into light if we collectively want to. Negativity has manifested over the years in the media but so can positivity with even greater possibilities of transformative manifestation. With personal intent we can refocus that which ultimately serves us better as people, friends and co-workers, families, neighbours, and the larger society. Focusing on the positive even in bad situations helps the roots of our mind grow. Positive acts need an audience. Think of positivity as an oak tree. Soil, water, and sunlight feed the tree. Those positive elementals make a sturdy oak grow. Any focus off these elementals will kill the spirit of the tree and it will not flourish. This is the Law of the Universe for trees and for the world.
(This picture was taken on one of the nights that was especially hard on both of us while Jordon was sick. We had had a very long day and we tried to carve out some fun time at the end of the evening playing around with selfies.)
One night awhile back Jackson came down stairs troubled by a thought he was having. Children really think deeply, it’s just the description or verbalization that they have trouble with. Jackson is an old soul and he doesn’t really have much trouble in this department. And we are really connected, he and I. What I am happy about is that we always shared this connection so there really has been no change in the depth of our discussions; just more discussions as to be expected. This one night in particular will be a night that will be branded into my mind of just…
I had several discussions this week and last with people about getting together. The days got ahead of me and nothing was planned for tonight- Friday. It is a blessing or a curse spending the evening alone. It was a great week for work and I saw friends and spent some quality time with Jackson. I wasn’t thinking about tonight until late this afternoon. Now it is here and I am by myself. Four months ago this night would have been about a nice dinner cooked on the BBQ by Jordon. I would have been in our kitchen making a salad and homemade dressing and steamed asparagus or something of the sort. Jordon would have DVR’ed a movie for us to watch afterward. This is how our Friday nights were. They were the unwinding night for us. Discussions of the week and planning for the weekend. What project would we get into? Which friends would be stopping by? Wine or whiskey and ginger on the table. Jordon was an awesome cook. He was taking hobby-cooking classes on the side until he got really sick and didn’t have the energy.
Flash forward to tonight. I have the backdoor open to the cool air and I am sitting here at my computer. Writing to you. To me. And to Jordon even. Life is very different now. I am learning to be alone. I am learning what this feels like and to get comfortable with it. I have no choice- cramming another person in this space of mine wouldn’t work right now, and maybe not for a long, long time. Or maybe sooner rather than later~ but the truth is it doesn’t really matter right now. Right now, tonight, is me, myself, and I.
Here is the conversation going on in my head right now~
You’ve spent your entire adult life being a part of someone else’s life and enjoying the companionship of it. Now it is just you. So, Holly…Whom do you want to be? What do you want for yourself? Is there anything new you would like to do that you weren’t able to do before? What did you compromise on before that you don’t have to now? Art, chick flicks, salads every night for dinner? You can watch something on TV that you actually find interesting, as you know, you had no control of the remote of the TV for 14 years. Maybe that’s why you lost interest in TV.
I guess what I am trying to help myself understand, and maybe if you are going through the same- try to embrace this time for reflection inward and not outward. Inward is a blank canvass that I can paint and draw whatever I want and be happy with it. And if I want to scrap it and start over I can. There are no rules here. I am not bound by anything, not even my own decisions. I don’t feel the need to stay in a box of opinion. As Jordon used to point out often during stressful situations- “Holly, you don’t have to do anything!” Outward refection on this kind of evening is a source of loneliness and absence. I have a choice here to take. I can step into the view of inward refection and build a picture of myself that I want to live and experience. Or I can step into the view of outward refection and curl up under my covers and sleep past the absence and void. What a crappy evening that would be. Jordon’s illness and subsequent passing reminded me of compartmentalization of the day. What we have is today. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. I don’t want to forget that. So I have tonight. And tonight I will do some nice things for myself. I will delve into my mind and remember things of interest to me and have some fun. I think I’m getting the hang of this.
There is a river basin that feeds into the ocean. The flowing water from the river over time brings with it sediment and other matter with it that slowly fills the basin and adds layer upon layer of sand, rocks, and other elements to form a solid seabed. I liken levels of tolerance to pain and setbacks to the addition of this sediment into the sea floor. It grows over time and it doesn’t stop. What happens is remarkable. You think your feelings and pain get worse as setbacks happen~ but the opposite occurs. Your tolerance to what comes your way deepens and you are capable to withstand more that you know. My heart is deep in the brackish water and I’m not sure if my mind and heart need the sea or the river to survive. Brackish water is confusing and I know I must look up even though the water burns my eyes and swim towards the light above. The elementals are there to test you- to move you forward in their tides. Trying to tread water and stay in one place is impossible and will do you no good. Your purpose in life is moving forward. Don’t fight it. You would think the tide washes away and leaves you with less. But the way the sea works is counter-intuitive in that it is building and growing, and changing and creating new shorelines all the time~ the sand doesn’t go away~ it just moves. There is a nautical remapping process in nature and in grief. Things change. The shorelines change- so the rules change. The depth of the water changes and the safety zones must be recreated to reflect the new routes to take, hazards in life to avoid, and open waters to let your sails fully out so your boat glides across the water to safer, happier shores.
You are in your boat now. You are your own captain. The water is your education. The wind is your guide, and the sun and the rain are your friends and foes- you need them both but they can and will help and harm you. You have to find balance with the elements and not give over your power. Life is about navigating though it all. Your boat is your given lot in life, your pre-ordained assignment that you chose before you came into this world. Your heart and mind are your compass. Let them guide you. As you are learning how to navigate through tough times, remember assigning yourself a prefixed time-table in healing is like cuffing your self and walking the plank to fall overboard. Time-tables for healing don’t allow for true movement of the heart and mind. You need to be able to jump off that plank and swim when you are ready. Some people jump right in and seize the moment. Some sit on the plank and dangle their feet in the water until the time is right for them. Others are scared and stay on the deck forever watching the others splash about. Life is about choices. My choice is jumping in and seizing the moment. Why wait? Come on in, the water’s fine!
No creative writing here today my friends. Just a short journal to share and mark for myself. Today is my first day back to work since March 28th, the day my late husband called me on my phone at 11:00 am to tell me to meet him at the cancer centre because his cancer was back and it was terminal. The next 30 days are about selling my home, downsizing into a townhome, preparing my son for a new school year without his Dad, and starting back to work. I have a full plate and heart. I’m living with an “attitude of gratitude” and learning much about myself as I go along. Alls well and I send you good vibes ~~~
I’ve always believed this philosophy my whole life. And now it belongs in my life more than ever. It takes being on the edge to gain the perspective that you need after a time of crisis. It is a way to reflect back, to see the whole picture, to understand the 360, and to make cognizant choices for how you want your future to play out.. The empowerment of this is wonderful if you let it play out in your life. There are many paths you can take and they are all mapped out in front of you. You can see them all from the edge. The ability to choose your path is yours to take. The edge is a gift and it is not a bad place to be. People who have been here on this edge, lived here or camped out, often times gain knowledge and understanding that can cause positive impact for so many if you share it. I am so fortunate to know people out here on this edge and be graced with your presence in my life.. You have my upmost respect..
Warped mirrors reflecting back a distorted image of yourself, moving floors as you walk not knowing if you will fall, and plastic clown faces popping out at you to surprise, startle, and scare you. Sometimes this process I am going through feels like I am walking through a Fun House just trying to get to the other side. I know there is an end to the madness and at times I cling to those around me and hid my face in their chest so I cannot see what is happening as I shuffle along.. Sometimes the ones that should be walking beside you are actually hiding in the dark corners and popping out their real intent at you. It’s startling and upsetting, but its good to know who you can cling to and who you can’t. There is a real flushing out of reality and truth when a family member, friend, and spouse or parent dies. It is unimaginable to some people and the reality of it all makes them react in strange unpredictable ways. This is the aspect that I fear no one talks about.
My signs of late have been about forgiveness. Messages in the form of angel cards, emails, books, radio, commercials… The words forgiveness and forgive keep crossing my field of vision and my range of hearing. I hear you, Universe. I know the angels are above me gently reminding me of human error and frailty and compassion. I am not perfect by any stretch of the word. I am a learner. Forgiving is at the heart of peace. And I must through this process learning to forgive while making the final steps out of this crazy Fun House.
I liken this issue to people getting trapped in the swirling tunnel of the Fun House and the fear of not being able to get out. You are swirling about in your own dealings and it is hard to comprehend and feel and help those around you that are caught up in the same tunnel. You are bumping and crashing into each other not able to help one another. This is how this process goes and I am sure most people don’t like to talk about this aspect of grief and losing someone close to you. It draws out the negative nature in us all. It is the yang in our personalities and it counterbalances the yin we all like to project. Like a Fun House mirror, it reflects back the image of yourself you don’t want to see. Acceptance of your own personal limitations and forgiveness of yourself and others coupled with communication is the foundation of moving forward in my perspective. It is the path out of the Fun House.
Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. This picture represents so much to me. Renewal, hope, transformation, spirit, tenacity, experience, will, focus and intent, forgiveness, purple- highest heavenly colour, and adversity and acceptance. It is all beautiful and it is all true. Life captured in nature. Cycles of hardship and happiness. Endurance as well as frailty. It is the here and now, living in today and not focusing on the past or the future, but giving rise to possibilities. Lastly, it is God’s grace upon us showing us that life continues and from that- gratitude back with an open heart.