My memories of my pregnancy and Jackson as a baby and a young child are real triggers for pain and grief for me. It is hard to fathom how the best memories in your life become so incredibly painful while you are traveling through the process of grief. It is counter-intuitive to think the best times of your life create the most pain but that’s how grief works for me.
When I was pregnant with Jackson I used to wake up in the morning and I knew he was sleeping too. The minute I awoke I would sit up and enjoy the feeling of knowing Jackson was waking up too. We did everything together and it was fun to feel his little kicks and hiccups. The connection during pregnancy is nothing short of divinity at its highest level. And after he was born, his eyes and little hands and laughter were so beautiful and new. I was getting to know this miraculous little human being and seeing him react to the world under mine and Jordon’s care and devotion is burned into my most cherished memories. My memories of those early days fully include Jordon. He was a very hands-on father; gentle, loving, nurturing, and so patient.
I struggle putting the description into earthly words when the person you so intimately share those experiences with is now gone. It’s akin to having a falling dream where you are sleeping soundly and all the sudden you feel yourself falling backward and you grab onto the side of the bed to keep yourself out of the dreamy pit you envision behind you. Grief hits and you just have to absorb the punch. Your reaction cannot be to get out of the way, but to overcome the blow you just took out of nowhere. The impact knocks the breathe out of you and you have to fall back or sit down or excuse yourself for awhile and let the day seep back into your system. You must keep going. You must overcome the fall and get back up again.
Grief is powerful. I believe it is the most powerful, painful emotion one can experience in the entire spectrum of human emotion. It is the red zone past the black line. The goal is to breathe through it. Ground yourself and look forward to the end of the acute phase of the intense pain. Go easy on yourself; your body, mind, heart, and spirit just took a sucker punch and have faith that you will move past it. Life is not over and the rivers still flow, the sun still shines, love is still present, and peace will once again reign in your heart and mind.
There is no worthy explanation for this occurrence and I see no value in this experience so I refuse to try and make one up. For me, it is just a powerful negative experience that rips and tears and its up to me to bind and heal by asking my angels and God for help. That is what they are here for.
So now I place my celestial order to the universe. One order of help from above, please, with a side of acceptance and healing to go. I need to move on from this horrible moment and I have no time to waste.
The response is, “Ask and you shall receive.”~ A pure, timeless, simple truthful answer back.
Thank you very much.