Month: October 2014

The Lighthouse

/ Holly C Barker / 3 Comments

I want to state my beliefs first. I believe in the universe, energy, God, spirit, focus, intent, and love. Pain and grief is a cleanser allowing you to enter and achieve a greater understanding of the process in life and why we are here. This process is the reason why the good die young. Have you ever met someone who right away you felt a connection and that you knew them? They felt familiar and comforting to some place deep inside your mind? There is areason for that- we do know them. I believe we are all on a continuum and a journey and sometimes we go through our lives here on earth weaving in and out with the same people, yet choosing different lives to live to enrich our souls and to gain different perspectives that help us learn and to move farther on that continuum. I believe we all chose what we want and need and accept the challenge and then through birth we forget. That’s where free will comes into play and choices are made- life is a test and a journey.
I also believe there are no hierarchies in heaven and we are all on a continuum towards oneness with God and Spirit and each other. I think Jordon is far up the chain. He chose his path of difficulties for a reason and so do we all. Jordon chose the tougher path to gain a better understanding and a deeper meaning here on earth. His death serves as a reminder and a guide to us as to what is important and what to focus on. Anytime someone who is young and good dies young- it hits us all. The “why”question always comes into our minds. It causes a chain reaction of souls here on earth to understand the importance in life that they might not have otherwise understood by taking for granted the gifts around them or living in assumption that nothing will ever change. This can be mourned, but what can happen is a positive energy can overcome and an understanding and appreciation can develop. The choice is ours to take and we can see the beauty and majesty of our gifts on earth as it is in heaven.
I will give you an analogy of why the good die young. His death serves as a lighthouse. We are all on a boat at night. Look up and look out for there is a lighthouse guiding us around the rocks and craggy shoals of life. Soon we realize the triviacy of everyday problems, and our focus and path becomes clear. We begin to keep our eyes on the light it sends us. It casts out light-circling, warning, and guiding us to a safer shore. We now understand our course and know we are nearer to the truth and how to navigate our lives in a more steady and true direction. When someone good dies young it is a great sacrifice for our greater good-
The waves around the lighthouse serve us as well. Their rippling effect casts out waves that start where they begin and flow back to other shores across the sea-sharing what is learned by all, touching, and causing impact. If you feel this impact, that is good. Jordon is now my lighthouse and maybe he is for others too. I love my lighthouse.

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Parenthood: Sailing into Unchartered Waters

/ Holly C Barker / 1 Comment

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When I met my husband I knew he was the one for me for many reasons. I knew intrinsically that he would be a good father. He was loyal and patient and loved children in general. I could just tell. I had finally found someone in my life that I could wholly trust to start a family with. It was a very powerful, grounded feeling and therefore I embarked on this journey with him and set sail into unchartered waters.

A year and a half after we married my son was born. He was amazing to behold. And it was terrifying to me. I had never changed a diaper. I had never really fed a baby a bottle except when one was placed in my arms and I was told what to do. I didn’t know what to do when Jackson cried. I cried. But I dove in with all my intent, love, passion and focus for this little person that was completely dependent on me for every single need. The enormity of my responsibility of it all was something I will never forget for the rest of my life. But it was a challenge I was ready for. The experience and process of Jackson and I getting to know each other was so much fun. And I enjoyed every little accomplishment he made. Rolling over. Picking something up. His first word was “up” and up into my arms he went whenever he asked snuggly situated onto my hip and carried about until he said “up” again and that meant down. We knew each other’s language. It was without a doubt a time in my life that I will never forget. I learned so much about myself and children and what I was capable of. I had learned to navigate this ship of motherhood.

Now I am finding myself back in the same boat. In waters unfamiliar to me. The shoreline is far off in the distance and I must use my internal navigation system to find my way in order to help Jackson through this watery grief and loss. In this boat with me is Jackson. He is strong both in body and in mind but he is still young. He is still wholly dependent on me for love, support, needs, and understanding. I am his mother and he is now without his father. In this unchartered water we are learning how to sail under a different flag. There is no going back to what we knew, that space is too painful and the fear of getting stuck there keeps us rowing on. We are learning the everyday business of dropping anchor, rowing, hoisting up sails, and avoiding hazards just below the surface of the water. He is doing this without his dad there to guide him. It is solely my job now. And like I was with a newborn I must follow my instincts because there is no guide map through this. We must navigate through new channels, rest in new coves, and get out often and splash about when the water and air is good. Here we go. We are pushing off.

Escaping the Pinball Wizard

/ Holly C Barker / Leave a comment

Reblogging due to the technical gaffe.

Holly C Barker

Every person on this planet is born innocent and good.  There is no such thing as a bad baby.  When we are born we are our core selves, undeveloped and new.  We never lose that core, but the world comes in and influence takes over and we become a product of our environment and grow from the impact the world has on us. This collective human experience has impact and it creates a pinball machine effect into the world.  Once we receive negative or positive energy from another it becomes kinetic energy and takes on a life of its own. The actions of others, both positive and negative, influence our decisions and thought processes.  It is this action and our own reaction that takes us away from our true selves and we begin to divest our own personal positive energy and give it away to others through disappointment and expectations…

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Escaping the Pinball Wizard

/ Holly C Barker / 1 Comment

Every person on this planet is born innocent and good.  There is no such thing as a bad baby.  When we are born we are our core selves, undeveloped and new.  We never lose that core, but the world comes in and influence takes over and we become a product of our environment and grow from the impact the world has on us. This collective human experience has impact and it creates a pinball machine effect into the world.  Once we receive negative or positive energy from another it becomes kinetic energy and takes on a life of its own. The actions of others, both positive and negative, influence our decisions and thought processes.  It is this action and our own reaction that takes us away from our true selves and we begin to divest our own personal positive energy and give it away to others through disappointment and expectations. We become blocked from our own divine light and stand in our own way, and we remove our focus from that which is our core beliefs in ourselves and react to our environment in that pinball machine. Noise, defection, chaos, and slamming our palms to the button to keep the ball from rolling down til the game is over is how we defensively react through our human nature.  The object of the game is whoever gets the most points wins. Do we really ever “win” an argument?  Do we stop to think what is lost when we do win?  What impact have we created on ourselves and on others?  Are we acting from our core selves or from the impact of our environment?

We have choices.  And the choice starts with focus and acceptance.  We must accept that others will react and treat us within their understanding of their environment. They are going through the same thing as it is a reflective mirror image.  It starts with you.  It starts with me. You, me, individually we must pull our focus away from the disappointments and resentments and anger we feel towards others and instead create a powerful focus on the innocent good self that we all have.  From that focus on self, we then radiate out good and positive intent into our world.  We have to accept that we might not be in an environment that is hospitable to our new focus, but that won’t matter because our focus is on good, and peace, and acceptance of our surroundings.  This type of positive kinetic energy spreads as well.

In the inevitable end, the ball rolls down and the score is tallied.  Life can continue like this for us until we tire and decide to move our focus out of the arcade.  There is no peace in an arcade. What could be peace and harmony when we forgive and accept becomes an internal defensive war within our hearts and outward actions. The key to happiness and peace is stepping out of the arcade and returning to self-focus. When we focus on our core selves and the love and light within and accept others on unconditional grounds, we bring in peace to our surroundings and it radiates out that which you want to come back to you. It is karma. It is the law of attraction. It is the golden rule. Open your eyes to the outside of others and to their struggles and obstacles that have been placed in their lives.  Then try to see their core self and accept the whole picture because they are a reflection of you and your core and your obstacles and struggles. The beauty of this process is amazing and healing. Acceptance and forgiveness of others creates acceptance and forgiveness within and peace and grace in your heart is the reward.

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Learning to Forgive

/ Holly C Barker / Leave a comment

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I have come to a conclusion about an important aspect of grief. Nothing that anyone says or does, whether positive or negative, surprises me anymore. I am sitting on the rock bottom of an unforgiving valley looking up and out and absorbing the view. I am learning and reflecting on this experience. What I take away from this experience will stay with me for the rest of my life.
The act of forgiveness comes from acceptance. Acceptance is the catalyst to allow in forgiveness into your heart and the result is peace.
This internal act is something you do for yourself. When you are open to forgiveness you allow yourself to heal on a spiritual, emotional, and physical level. When you do not allow this healing in, pain and disease and illness (both mental and emotional) manifest and only lead you down a path that is not intended for you. Allowing yourself to let go of pain that others inflict on you will benefit you in all aspects of you life. The equation is simple. Forgiveness is a fundamental component to happiness and health. You cannot separate out judgement, resentment, anger, and hate from your own personal health and happiness. The two do not live jointly in your heart without contention and unrest. Most of us feel this duality within us and it is the greatest human struggle. It is the single cause of one to one interpersonal strife all the way to war between nations. Learning to forgive is the Mount Everest of human emotional challenges. The difficulty of not forgiving is a core elemental human flaw that is uniquely placed in us to challenge us to overcome life’s biggest obstacles. I identify with my pain inflicted by others and I am trying to identify with the hurt I cause. It is up to me to stand outside myself, bring my heart and mind to a higher plane, and to learn acceptance and forgiveness in order for me to wholly heal and find peace and happiness. Words and basic deeds of goodwill are not enough. We think they are, and we rationalize that thought in order to skip over the real truth in order not to face our own shortcomings. It’s easier in the short run to hold on to all that has been done towards us, but more profound when we create actions that heal in the long run. When we justify our anger and resentment, it holds us captive and without what we all truly need and deserve. We are all meant to be happy and emotionally healthy, that is what is wanted for us from above. But the key to this enlightened state is to fully become aware of your own pain and hurt and to heal through forgiveness and acceptance of others from within. I am human and this is the hardest thing I will ever have to face. If I want to experience true rewards of clear vision and peace in my heart, I must accept this challenge.

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Coming Home

/ Holly C Barker / Leave a comment

Holly C Barker

I have a story to share with you today.  I was somewhat doubting myself yesterday.  I have a story to tell and yet I didn’t want to because I sometimes read over my writings and worry about the impression I give to people through my honesty.  I have to shake off the negative vibrational energy that I feel sometimes coming at me and write out my experiences no matter whether it is accepted by others or not.  These are my experiences, I do not write fiction, and today I received a peaceful, positive affirmation that I should continue on.

In the course of editing my book I realized I had not written about something important that needs to be shared.  The subject matter is seeing the angels surround Jordon to take him with them before he died.  Such a crucial piece should not go missing and it needs to be…

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Coming Home

/ Holly C Barker / 23 Comments

I have a story to share with you today.  I was somewhat doubting myself yesterday.  I have a story to tell and yet I didn’t want to because I sometimes read over my writings and worry about the impression I give to people through my honesty.  I have to shake off the negative vibrational energy that I feel sometimes coming at me and write out my experiences no matter whether it is accepted by others or not.  These are my experiences, I do not write fiction, and today I received a peaceful, positive affirmation that I should continue on.

In the course of editing my book I realized I had not written about something important that needs to be shared.  The subject matter is seeing the angels surround Jordon to take him with them before he died.  Such a crucial piece should not go missing and it needs to be told, yet I have waited to write it out and now I know why.  I was struggling with the words as they were not flowing as they usually do and I went to a small café for lunch to write.  The words were choppy and guarded.  I finished my lunch and came home to a contractor who was working on my house.  He was finishing up the job and came to sit at my kitchen table with me to write up the bill.  Our pleasant conversation lead to me mentioning the fact that my husband had recently passed on from cancer. That’s when it all started to make sense.

My contractor friend, who is older than me, began to tell me his story.  Out of his heart poured his life of losing his wife to cancer at a young age in 1992 when his children were six and ten years old.  He told me of his family situation and his struggles that even continue on to this day for him.  We shared our experiences of family and of staying connected to our spouses even after they both passed on.  The conversation was truly remarkable.  I feel for him and his struggles as I know them well.  I wish him peace in his heart and the ability to claim the life he deserves, free of anything holding him down.

Without my prompting him, midpoint in our conversation, he began to tell me about his last hour with his wife and what a beautiful experience she had.  She was pale and her hair was flowing and she looked like Moses out of the Bible up on the mount receiving the Ten Commandments.  She asked to sit up which he then propped her up.  She said “You all won’t believe me if I tell you what I’m seeing.” After several promptings by her husband and family members in the room she finally told them. She said, “He is sooo big, and we are sooo small!” And then she passed away.

This was the very subject I was trying to write about in the café and yet struggled not feeling the acceptance surrounding me. Then to go home to sit down with a stranger and have him share his exact same experience is amazing!! The affirmation is undeniable in my book!  The more and more I understand and continue to be open to my messages, the more I don’t believe in coincidence anymore.  Things happen for a reason.  This time it was for two people who have lived the same path helping each other through sharing and lifting each other up.

So here it is, now a chapter in my book, with the affirmation I needed to remember this is a universal, global experience that has been written about, sung about, painted on walls and canvas for centuries, and yet still talked about in the shadows as if it is fabled and doubted and not of our collective present experience.  Most families have a relatable story, so here is mine.

It was 12:30pm on May 8th and Jordon was about to be transported to hospice from his hospital bed in our living room.  He was gravely ill and his health was deteriorating rapidly.  We didn’t know this would be his last day and he didn’t either.  He was worried about the experience of hospice and I knew that.  He sat up over the edge of his hospital bed and I fell to my knees to hug him.  I will never forget that.  I told him I wouldn’t leave him and I would take care of him.  He nodded and we hugged each other.  We exchanged some of our last “I love you’s.”  As I slid back to my seat and just before they brought the stretcher in for him to be carried to the van I saw them.  Soft lights, circles, straight lines, zigzags descended into the room.  A presence was in the room surrounding Jordon and his hospital bed.  It was beautiful and peaceful.  At the time and due to the crisis I took note of it wondering if it was my eyes playing tricks on me.

I was in a panic as I was worried about his pain and the van ride to hospice.  Over the weeks of taking Jordon back and forth to the cancer center I had learned every pothole in the road on the way there.  I knew when to change lanes in the right time to keep Jordon’s pain and nausea down.  I knew not to tap the break.  He felt it all and it was excruciating to him.  Now he was going to be in the back of a van, strapped to a gurney with wheels with his pain medicines not working.

When the men arrived to get him, Jordon peacefully got up out of his bed and went and laid down on the stretcher.  He was loaded into the van and I hopped in from the back doors to sit and be with him and hold his hand.  The whole way with the stretcher giggling back and forth and the sharp turns and curves Jordon never had a pained expression or look about him.  He was peaceful. I now understand why.  Jordon’s body and his earthly presence were with us at hospice, but his soul left at our house with his angels.  They came to spare this wonderful man, husband, and father the agony of the van ride and take him home with them.  Thank you. Thank you with utmost gratitude for your mercy and your comfort you gave to Jordon in his last hours.

 

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Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

/ Holly C Barker / Leave a comment

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Jackson,

Life is lived in the valleys and the mountains. There is very little learning in the flatlands of life. They are all just a part of the terrain of this life we are in.  As your mom, Jackson, I will stay by your side the whole way.  We will climb the mountains together and we will rest in the valleys when we reach them.  We will take each challenge as it comes and we will celebrate the sunsets, the waterfalls, and the vistas of life.  We will make peace with our terrain and grow strong from the journey.  We may feel the elements in life and grow weary from the climb, but our reward is waiting. And yet, my daily gratitude for you continues to amplify everyday. I am so impressed with your wise, introspective young life and I know it will serve you well as you quickly grow into this man you are.  Your spirit glows and shines brightly and it serves as a reminder of why we are here.  I know you can do this! I know we can do this!

Love you~

Mom

Gratitude, Then and Now

/ Holly C Barker / 1 Comment

As I was working on finishing my book today I pulled over this journal off our CaringBridge site that I wrote two days before Jordon died.  I was sitting in my office finishing some paperwork for the company I work for when I wrote this out.  It was a flashback from a time right before Jordon was diagnosed with metastatic cancer.  I am so glad I wrote my heart out during that time while Jordon was sick because now I can look how far I have come~ and how far Jackson has come for that matter and feel gratitude for where we are both at today.  We are living out our plan- doing things, going places…filling the void with all things good.  I needed this reminder tonight.

Gratitude

By Holly Barker — May 7, 2014 10:50pm

Tonight I finished up an expense report long overdue with my job and took a little time to tie up some loose ends.  As I was entering the expenses for dinners in Montreal on business trips and the client coffees in Niagara it just kept hitting me over and over again- what was I doing then and thinking then and planning then and, and, and,…and now.  How incredibly quick it all can change.  It hurts so badly.  But Jordon has reminded me more than once that some people never get to say goodbye and never get the opportunity to say what they want to say because its too late.  So, again, back to gratitude and the comfort knowing that we still have those opportunities and we take them daily in as many different ways that we can.

When “this” happens there is going to be an enormous void in Jackson and my life.  Jordon’s presence is all-encompassing and is woven into every aspect of both of our lives. How does that stop??  I am going to commit to myself and to teaching Jackson how to fill that void with all things positive- in our actions on a daily basis, how we treat everyone from strangers to those closest to us, to the activities that we choose to participate in, the places we go and the things we do.  Jordon will always be with us and that earthly time-bound void will be filled with good to honor him.  That will help us recover and heal.

Tomorrow the pallitive care team is coming in to see Jordon.  Hospice has called to let us know there is a place for him this weekend if we want it.  His pain is under control but other aspects- not so much.  What a difficult decision but I believe above all else the number one priority is being together.  That priority has never changed since we first met and I see no reason why it should change now.

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