Gratitude, Then and Now

As I was working on finishing my book today I pulled over this journal off our CaringBridge site that I wrote two days before Jordon died.  I was sitting in my office finishing some paperwork for the company I work for when I wrote this out.  It was a flashback from a time right before Jordon was diagnosed with metastatic cancer.  I am so glad I wrote my heart out during that time while Jordon was sick because now I can look how far I have come~ and how far Jackson has come for that matter and feel gratitude for where we are both at today.  We are living out our plan- doing things, going places…filling the void with all things good.  I needed this reminder tonight.


By Holly Barker — May 7, 2014 10:50pm

Tonight I finished up an expense report long overdue with my job and took a little time to tie up some loose ends.  As I was entering the expenses for dinners in Montreal on business trips and the client coffees in Niagara it just kept hitting me over and over again- what was I doing then and thinking then and planning then and, and, and,…and now.  How incredibly quick it all can change.  It hurts so badly.  But Jordon has reminded me more than once that some people never get to say goodbye and never get the opportunity to say what they want to say because its too late.  So, again, back to gratitude and the comfort knowing that we still have those opportunities and we take them daily in as many different ways that we can.

When “this” happens there is going to be an enormous void in Jackson and my life.  Jordon’s presence is all-encompassing and is woven into every aspect of both of our lives. How does that stop??  I am going to commit to myself and to teaching Jackson how to fill that void with all things positive- in our actions on a daily basis, how we treat everyone from strangers to those closest to us, to the activities that we choose to participate in, the places we go and the things we do.  Jordon will always be with us and that earthly time-bound void will be filled with good to honor him.  That will help us recover and heal.

Tomorrow the pallitive care team is coming in to see Jordon.  Hospice has called to let us know there is a place for him this weekend if we want it.  His pain is under control but other aspects- not so much.  What a difficult decision but I believe above all else the number one priority is being together.  That priority has never changed since we first met and I see no reason why it should change now.


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