Coming Home

I have a story to share with you today.  I was somewhat doubting myself yesterday.  I have a story to tell and yet I didn’t want to because I sometimes read over my writings and worry about the impression I give to people through my honesty.  I have to shake off the negative vibrational energy that I feel sometimes coming at me and write out my experiences no matter whether it is accepted by others or not.  These are my experiences, I do not write fiction, and today I received a peaceful, positive affirmation that I should continue on.

In the course of editing my book I realized I had not written about something important that needs to be shared.  The subject matter is seeing the angels surround Jordon to take him with them before he died.  Such a crucial piece should not go missing and it needs to be told, yet I have waited to write it out and now I know why.  I was struggling with the words as they were not flowing as they usually do and I went to a small café for lunch to write.  The words were choppy and guarded.  I finished my lunch and came home to a contractor who was working on my house.  He was finishing up the job and came to sit at my kitchen table with me to write up the bill.  Our pleasant conversation lead to me mentioning the fact that my husband had recently passed on from cancer. That’s when it all started to make sense.

My contractor friend, who is older than me, began to tell me his story.  Out of his heart poured his life of losing his wife to cancer at a young age in 1992 when his children were six and ten years old.  He told me of his family situation and his struggles that even continue on to this day for him.  We shared our experiences of family and of staying connected to our spouses even after they both passed on.  The conversation was truly remarkable.  I feel for him and his struggles as I know them well.  I wish him peace in his heart and the ability to claim the life he deserves, free of anything holding him down.

Without my prompting him, midpoint in our conversation, he began to tell me about his last hour with his wife and what a beautiful experience she had.  She was pale and her hair was flowing and she looked like Moses out of the Bible up on the mount receiving the Ten Commandments.  She asked to sit up which he then propped her up.  She said “You all won’t believe me if I tell you what I’m seeing.” After several promptings by her husband and family members in the room she finally told them. She said, “He is sooo big, and we are sooo small!” And then she passed away.

This was the very subject I was trying to write about in the café and yet struggled not feeling the acceptance surrounding me. Then to go home to sit down with a stranger and have him share his exact same experience is amazing!! The affirmation is undeniable in my book!  The more and more I understand and continue to be open to my messages, the more I don’t believe in coincidence anymore.  Things happen for a reason.  This time it was for two people who have lived the same path helping each other through sharing and lifting each other up.

So here it is, now a chapter in my book, with the affirmation I needed to remember this is a universal, global experience that has been written about, sung about, painted on walls and canvas for centuries, and yet still talked about in the shadows as if it is fabled and doubted and not of our collective present experience.  Most families have a relatable story, so here is mine.

It was 12:30pm on May 8th and Jordon was about to be transported to hospice from his hospital bed in our living room.  He was gravely ill and his health was deteriorating rapidly.  We didn’t know this would be his last day and he didn’t either.  He was worried about the experience of hospice and I knew that.  He sat up over the edge of his hospital bed and I fell to my knees to hug him.  I will never forget that.  I told him I wouldn’t leave him and I would take care of him.  He nodded and we hugged each other.  We exchanged some of our last “I love you’s.”  As I slid back to my seat and just before they brought the stretcher in for him to be carried to the van I saw them.  Soft lights, circles, straight lines, zigzags descended into the room.  A presence was in the room surrounding Jordon and his hospital bed.  It was beautiful and peaceful.  At the time and due to the crisis I took note of it wondering if it was my eyes playing tricks on me.

I was in a panic as I was worried about his pain and the van ride to hospice.  Over the weeks of taking Jordon back and forth to the cancer center I had learned every pothole in the road on the way there.  I knew when to change lanes in the right time to keep Jordon’s pain and nausea down.  I knew not to tap the break.  He felt it all and it was excruciating to him.  Now he was going to be in the back of a van, strapped to a gurney with wheels with his pain medicines not working.

When the men arrived to get him, Jordon peacefully got up out of his bed and went and laid down on the stretcher.  He was loaded into the van and I hopped in from the back doors to sit and be with him and hold his hand.  The whole way with the stretcher giggling back and forth and the sharp turns and curves Jordon never had a pained expression or look about him.  He was peaceful. I now understand why.  Jordon’s body and his earthly presence were with us at hospice, but his soul left at our house with his angels.  They came to spare this wonderful man, husband, and father the agony of the van ride and take him home with them.  Thank you. Thank you with utmost gratitude for your mercy and your comfort you gave to Jordon in his last hours.



23 thoughts on “Coming Home

  1. Holly, it was an absolute pleasure meeting you. It never ceases to amaze me when people are put in your path with the purpose of lifting you up. I am still reeling (in a positive way) from our conversation and connection yesterday. Who thought that all of that could come from writing out an invoice. I am truly blessed to get the message that I did. May your (and your son’s) journey be peaceful and powerful. Blessings to you both now and in the future. May our paths cross again.


  2. Thank you. It helped to know that my son was surrounded by a stronger love than we here know when he died. He .never met a stranger. He was only 45 last nov when he died but he gave more Love to those around him than many who live much longer. He survived multiple physical challenges and kept a positive attitude. Losing him is worse than my own death but knowing his leaving was beautiful is comforting.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes- with the dark heaviness of grief, that knowing of that comforting peace that abides them- and seeing and feeling it for yourself is the key to the lessening of pain. Grief transforms into abiding, enduring love.


  3. My husband died 17 months ago.
    It feels like yesterday. The pain of him
    not being here is slowly sucking the life out of me! It’s hard for me to find
    joy. We had been for 34 years, he was my best friend, my soulmate . We were in the middle of moving to Az.
    to start are so called Golden years. He
    died unexpectedly right in front of me.
    The coroner said he died of Aeortic Stenois it is the artery in the heart closes. The doctors said he felt nothing he just died! It was compared to shutting the main water off to a house ! I miss him! It’s hard to move forward I feel like I am becoming a fake, doing what I need to do but at same time wishing he was with me so
    I can truly enjoy life!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It feels like yesterday because his passing happened suddenly and unexpectedly. Many people who lose a loved one like that feel numb for a long time. And you were in the middle of a transition to Az too. I’m so sorry this happened. Please stay with us. Try some of the tenets and try to focus on yourself to feel better. Baby steps, Joanne. Slowly.


  4. My mom passed a few years ago. She had been in a nursing home for two years. She was resting comfortably so my brothers and I went home to get some sleep. My sister-in-law stayed with mom. We just got home when the nurse called us to tell us she was gone. I believe she waited till we had gone before she left us. My sister had given her a flashlight that you had to shake to get light and it was on a table in the corner, out of the way. Terri said when she passed, the flashlight lit up. I think she was telling us she was passing to the light and that gives me comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I was not with my 23 yr. old daughter when she passed away, but I feel she was with me. I was 1300 miles away when she was killed in a car accident on 1/16/2012. We had text each other 15 times or so the night before (the last one being from her at 8pm). Three weeks earlier we had all spent Christmas together, myself, my daughter and my three sons. It was wonderful. She had given me a beautiful Bath & Body Works gift set, which I immediately put in my suitcase so I wouldn’t forget it when we left to “snowbird” in Florida. It sat in my suitcase until the day of her accident. Around 2pm or so, I took it out and used the shower gel, body lotion and body spray. It smelled so good! I sent her a text at 2:40pm telling her how I had used it and loved it and thanked her again. She never got my text. Around the time I used her gift, she had already had her accident. The 911 call was made at 1:31pm., she was pronounced deceased at 2:35pm. I got the phone call at 3:01pm.
    What made me take her gift out after 3 weeks and use it the day of her accident? I don’t think it was because of all the texts from the night before, we text or called each other everyday. We did text an unusual number of times that previous evening but that was because we were both watching an NFL playoff game and didn’t want to try and carry on a conversation (a decision I regret still to this day). I immediately thought about that text I sent her and panicked thinking I caused the accident, her reading my text while she was driving. After checking my phone, she was already gone when I sent it.
    At the funeral home, I placed a little stuffed bear in her coffin right above her left shoulder. It was given to her by her two older brothers when they came to see her at the hospital when she was born. She kept it on her bed for all those years. Over a thousand people gave their condolences the three days she was laid out, knelt at her side, some placed items, pictures and notes in with her, that bear never moved. When it came time for me to have to say goodbye to her after the funeral, my boyfriend and I knelt at her coffin and I just couldn’t do it…I couldn’t leave her. I cried, I shook, I was trembling uncontrollably, when all of a sudden the bear tipped over and wedged it’s nose between her forearm and the silk lining of her coffin. It was like someone flicked it from behind. I looked at my John and said, “Did you see that?” He said “yessss” with a shocked look on his face. I looked back at my beautiful daughter and I swear I saw a little smirk on her face and I said to her, “You little brat, you are telling me it’s ok to leave!” All of a sudden I felt a calm come over me, my heart stopped hurting for a minute, I kissed her forehead and said “See you later”, turned, walked away and never looked back. I truly believe she was with me and still is.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. My husband died on November 28, 2015. The day after his 46 birthday. He died of lung cancer he was diagnosed on November 18, 2015 and only lived 10 days. He was in ICU and all the family was gathered around him. I held his hand until he took his last breath and he smiled when he died. I thought that he seen god and was happy that his family was all there with him there.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I wish I had a happy story. My husband Joe was 49 when he went to heaven. I married him when i was17 he was my one and only everything…my first boyfriend. Almost thirty years of marriage gone in a matter of minutes….October 16 I brought food home from Los jalapeños for supper he got chocked on a nacho and said he felt like it would not go up or do wn…I tried to get him to the hospital but he said if he drank enough it would dissolve. At 1 am he told me he would go to the hospital so I said let me get my clothes on and he said no we will go at day light. At 327am he ran to the bathroom hollering at me to follow…..he got down on his knees in front of the bathtub and the blood would not stop. I called 911 but he bled to death before they got here. The chip had somehow cut his esophagus…his last words was for me to help him and I didn’t.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am so sorry this happened to you both. Please try and see how it all happened and you did your best. No one would have thought that would happen. I’m so sorry. But I will say- my husband didn’t go gently into the night either. It’s the part no one talks about. Sometimes death comes hard and painful. Keep tabs on your emotional health and seek help if you need it. These are the kinds of things that lead to PTSD and panic attacks. All very common. Stay with us. We understand.


  8. Thank you for your story. The day my daughter passed due to a car accident I saw her aurora. We were shopping and she was trying on sunglasses. She said mom look at these. I turned to look and she was glowing. I thought it was the sunglasses. I said Brea those look so good on you do you want me to buy them. She said no I don’t need them. She had her accident that night. She was 20. It was only after she passed that I realized it was her aurora not the sunglasses. It has been 11 years and I’m coping though sometimes not very well. There are so many other things that happened in the weeks before and after her passing that lets me know it was Gods plan for her life. That gives me comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hi Holly, reading these stories have brought tears to my eyes, I lost the love of my life, August 14, 2016, after a night of dinner, dancing and romance, I woke up to my husband of seventeen years dead, the doctor said he had a heart attack in his sleep, I keep asking myself, did I miss hearing something, did he call for me and I didn’t hear him, what gets me through this loss is the fact that I spent the night before with him, it was a beautiful night, I will never forget it. I just wish the pain I feel would go away.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I want to say I can’t imagine, but I can. And I am so sorry for your pain. Don’t question yourself and the why’s. You’ll beat yourself up and that’s not healthy. I’m glad you have that memory to hold close. Thank you for sharing.


  10. My husband of only 2 years, was suffering from a battle with depression and alcoholism. I was 8 months pregnant with our daughter. On the morning of June 20th 1992, he was found in our garage having hung himself sometime in the early hours of the morning. Every year on the anniversary of his death, my daughter and I send him balloons to heaven (she is 25 now). But every year, as we release those balloons… we see a white butterfly fluttering around near us. It brings comfort to me knowing that he is watching over us.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Holly, i totally believe everything you said. Woody really wasn’t moving his limbs, but all of a sudden he lifted his arm to the ceiling reaching out for a hand….he was reaching for his mom’s hand or even Jesus. Not long after that he went into a coma. I told him it was okay to go because i couldn’t stand to see him suffer and our family would be there for me. I truly believe they go when they want to and that they love where they are now. Thanks for all you do, Holly. We are all in it together. They are watching us.
    Cyndi Campbell

    Liked by 1 person

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