So much of my focus in my recovery from grief has been about being strong and forward moving and living in gratitude. Those were pillars from the get-go for me to keep my footing and not fall into the abyss of grief. But I have recently discovered through reflecting back that I missed an important aspect of this process that I want to share.
We all have an ego. Ego is the command center of the mind and it is up to us as individuals on how we nurture and grow this power center. It can destroy us. It can destroy nations. It can empower us and ground us and protect us through life’s storms. Again, like so many simple truths, ego is a core element of the human experience. What we do with this ego is a manifestation of God-given free will. We can use it for good and learn and grow and become authentically confident, or we can feed the ego from a negative space and a path of diversion or darkness can ensue. The ego is neutral, tasteless, colorless, and lacking in definition. Free will, intent, and human emotion and thought create its color and characteristics. It takes on form and function based on what you add to it. And from what you add to your ego, you create who you are, how you act, what you think about, how you treat others, and most importantly~ how you feel about yourself.
If I am authentically honest with myself, I must say that through fear I have fed my ego with thoughts of strength and forward motion without stopping to think about the benefits of slowing down and allowing myself to truly, authentically feel vulnerability, weakness, and face the truth of what really happened this year. Through feeding my ego with diversion I did not allow myself to be authentic about what was happening to my family and myself. I was hiding behind strength, moving so fast as to not slow down and grieve and really allow in the feelings of what it is like to lose and to experience the aftermath of the death of a spouse and the father of my son. In a way, I am still grateful for feeding my ego in that fashion and I am not really ready to say that was not the way to move forward. But I am now retrospectively learning that it is okay and admit to being in pain and to be sad and to come to a standstill and accept the wave of grief that I have been denying myself many times. It is authentic to hurt. It is naturally human to slow down and admit life is too heavy sometimes. Sometimes it’s okay to feel sorry for yourself, to sit on the couch, and not move. My fear of never getting up from that position kept me from that space. My fear of being stuck kept me looking far ahead on the path. But now I am realizing in being authentic and honest with my core self that I have to admit that I fed my ego those elements, yet they cannot be sustained. It is not just about turning to the left to see only one aspect~ positivity; it is about looking left and right and accepting the whole picture of what comes to us. From there we have to have faith in knowing that true understanding and enlightenment comes from seeing the whole picture, living a whole life, and experiencing all emotions that come our way. Faith will carry you through and help pull you from the abyss and from getting stuck, not just our forward-moving actions and thoughts. So much is missed when we move too fast and the knowledge of authenticity is so powerful that it shouldn’t be missed. I am ready to authentically live. To really cry when I feel like it. Be angry and sad when I need to be. And I am ready to admit vulnerability and weakness is as much of an element of the human experience as all the other emotions on the spectrum. I have just turned to my right and now opened a whole new door of understanding to my world and for that, once again, I am grateful.
*Thank you for standing by me, David. Much love to you. You are an inspiration.