Runners take your mark! I am on the track. I can smell the asphalt and the newly cut grass. Get set! The gun goes up and I place my hands on the track and spread my fingers out gripping the ground. I’m bending into my starting position. Go! The shot sounds out and I lunge forward sprinting with all my might. My hands dig the air ahead of me and my feet clip the pavement as I breeze through my strides with my mind on the finish line. The finish line is when the race is over, when I am through the pain and grief and loss. My mind is made up. I will run through this and I will finish and win. These were my thoughts when Jordon died. I had been training for this inevitable moment for years in the back of my mind. I was ready. I felt like an Olympian in the world of life and death and I had already accepted that I was to enter this race whether I wanted to or not. It was up to me on how to train and how to win. Grief would not conquer me. I would conquer grief. Grief and Sadness and the Void were my opponents in this race. I wanted very badly to beat them. They would not overcome me and I would stay ahead, looking ahead with gratitude, feeling the ribbon across my chest as I hurl myself over the finish line.

The truth is I did win this race. I did exactly all those things. But at a real cost. I am suffering from overexertion. My breath, my body, and my mind are winded and tired and strained. I’m low on energy and I need some recuperation time to get back to good. I have trained and sprinted and ran myself into the ground of late and now I am learning the cost of winning. I don’t know if there is any other way for me, for it is my nature to move quickly. But I don’t know if I would recommend it to anyone unless you are conditioned and prepared for this reality.

I embraced acceptance early. I live on a daily basis in the connection to God, Spirit, and to our loved ones that have passed on. I have come to an understanding of what living in separation feels like and I choose not to, because it isn’t healthy. It continues to be a mission of mine to help those who are stuck. But, I am human and not perfect and capable of falling and tripping and losing my way. I am trying to get back on track, but this time at a nice smooth even pace. I cannot sustain race speed in my life. The race is over. 2015 is right around the corner. Its time to start living, walking, breathing, and seeking my new normal. After all, it is what is wanted for us from above….

Love to all of you who cheered me on, supported Jackson, and waited for me at the finish line. There is a place in my heart for you that is yours forever. xoxo

The Dahlia you brought to our isle


Your praises forever shall speak

‘Mid gardens as sweet as your smile


And colour as bright as your cheek.

–Lord Holland (1773–1840)

Dear Dahlia,

I know it is winter and the snow is falling outside. Life must be difficult at times being a flower bulb. You are uprooted and you find yourself away from your garden, away from the other flowers you spent the summer with. Life deals out what it does, and yours has been a life as a bulb. I am writing you, at this time, for a reason. I want you to remember the warm sunny days and know that that time will come again when you will be shining with all your brilliance and bursting with your vibrancy for all to see, experience, and love. You have it in you. It hasn’t gone away. You are just in the time when you are a bulb in a cool, dry, dim place… Life is cyclical and now is the time for reflection, an understanding for what has been, and then gratitude for what is to come. This winter has been tough and cold as sometimes winters go.  Often times through the most difficult of seasons we can learn the most about nature and life. Hold fast, dear dahlia bulb, there is hope and renewal and warmth headed your way, don’t give up. Know that the sun will once again shine warmly upon your beautiful petals, the raindrops will sustain you, and the soil will feed you all that you need.  Life will begin again.

Escaping the Pinball Wizard~ Reblogging for the sake of trying to follow my own advice.

Every person on this plant is born innocent and good. There is no such thing as a bad baby. When we are born we are our core selves, undeveloped and new. We never lose that core, but the world comes in and influence takes over and we become a product of our environment and grow from the impact the world has on us. This collective human experience has impact and it creates a pinball machine effect into the world. Once we receive negative or positive energy from another it becomes kinetic energy and takes on a life of its own. The actions of others, both positive and negative, influence our decisions and thought processes. It is this action and our own reaction that takes us away from our true selves and we begin to divest our own personal positive energy and give it away to others through disappointment and expectations. We become blocked from our own divine light and stand in our own way, and we remove our focus from that which is our core beliefs in ourselves and react to our environment in that pinball machine. Noise, defection, chaos, and slamming our palms to the button to keep the ball from rolling down til the game is over is how we defensively react through our human nature. The object of the game is whoever gets the most points wins. Do we really ever “win” an argument? Do we stop to think what is lost when we do win? What impact have we created on ourselves and on others? Are we acting from our core selves or from the impact of our environment?

We have choices. And the choice starts with focus and acceptance. We must accept that others will react and treat us within their understanding of their environment. They are going through the same thing as it is a reflective mirror image. It starts with you. It starts with me. You, me, individually we must pull our focus away from the disappointments and resentments and anger we feel towards others and instead create a powerful focus on the innocent good self that we all have. From that focus on self, we then radiate out good and positive intent into our world. We have to accept that we might not be in an environment that is hospitable to our new focus, but that won’t matter because our focus is on good, and peace, and acceptance of our surroundings. This type of positive kinetic energy spreads as well.

In the inevitable end, the ball rolls down and the score is tallied. Life can continue like this for us until we tire and decide to move our focus out of the arcade. There is no peace in an arcade. What could be peace and harmony when we forgive and accept becomes an internal defensive war within our hearts and outward actions. The key to happiness and peace is stepping out of the arcade and returning to self-focus. When we focus on our core selves and the love and light within and accept others on unconditional grounds, we bring in peace to our surroundings and it radiates out that which you want to come back to you. It is karma. It is the law of attraction. It is the golden rule. Open your eyes to the outside of others and to their struggles and obstacles that have been placed in their lives. Then try to see their core self and accept the whole picture because they are a reflection of you and your core and your obstacles and struggles. The beauty of this process is amazing and healing. Acceptance and forgiveness of others creates acceptance and forgiveness within and peace and grace in your heart is the reward.