Runners take your mark! I am on the track. I can smell the asphalt and the newly cut grass. Get set! The gun goes up and I place my hands on the track and spread my fingers out gripping the ground. I’m bending into my starting position. Go! The shot sounds out and I lunge forward sprinting with all my might. My hands dig the air ahead of me and my feet clip the pavement as I breeze through my strides with my mind on the finish line. The finish line is when the race is over, when I am through the pain and grief and loss. My mind is made up. I will run through this and I will finish and win. These were my thoughts when Jordon died. I had been training for this inevitable moment for years in the back of my mind. I was ready. I felt like an Olympian in the world of life and death and I had already accepted that I was to enter this race whether I wanted to or not. It was up to me on how to train and how to win. Grief would not conquer me. I would conquer grief. Grief and Sadness and the Void were my opponents in this race. I wanted very badly to beat them. They would not overcome me and I would stay ahead, looking ahead with gratitude, feeling the ribbon across my chest as I hurl myself over the finish line.
The truth is I did win this race. I did exactly all those things. But at a real cost. I am suffering from overexertion. My breath, my body, and my mind are winded and tired and strained. I’m low on energy and I need some recuperation time to get back to good. I have trained and sprinted and ran myself into the ground of late and now I am learning the cost of winning. I don’t know if there is any other way for me, for it is my nature to move quickly. But I don’t know if I would recommend it to anyone unless you are conditioned and prepared for this reality.
I embraced acceptance early. I live on a daily basis in the connection to God, Spirit, and to our loved ones that have passed on. I have come to an understanding of what living in separation feels like and I choose not to, because it isn’t healthy. It continues to be a mission of mine to help those who are stuck. But, I am human and not perfect and capable of falling and tripping and losing my way. I am trying to get back on track, but this time at a nice smooth even pace. I cannot sustain race speed in my life. The race is over. 2015 is right around the corner. Its time to start living, walking, breathing, and seeking my new normal. After all, it is what is wanted for us from above….
Love to all of you who cheered me on, supported Jackson, and waited for me at the finish line. There is a place in my heart for you that is yours forever. xoxo