Thank you, Sue for sharing your story of loss and grief. First, I want to say how brave you seem to me in facing all that you have faced. Now I want to step aside and let you tell your story.
In Sue’s words:
“When I lost my husband, I lost my circle of friends who were all married couples. It was like I had leprosy or something. I also lost his family. My family saw that I didn’t just fall apart (in public, I didn’t but I did in private), so they fell away, too. It was so hard losing my best friend, my lover, and my soul mate that I over-medicated to try to run from the pain because 10 days before I lost my husband, our 17-year-old nephew was killed in a traffic accident. The ones who were there for me the most were his parents, my brother and his wife. Was three years before I was able to deal with the losses and it took me almost dying to get to that point.”
If you really read with an open heart the words above and see into Sue’s life you will see a woman who’s entire life changed very quickly and dramatically. She lost her soul mate and from that epicenter she lost her family, her husband’s family, and her friends turned away too. Everything in Sue’s life changed, even if she still has those who stood by her, she is still going through a complete life change. This experience brought her to the brink of her own death. Really think about her words. Her experience. The reactions of others to her. Before her husband’s death she had a full life with many relationships and with a sad turn of events she found herself quite alone. The events that shaped the outcome were not of her making, so~ WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN???
I want her to know and all of you out there that are going through similar situations that the outcome of Sue’s experience is a very common occurrence when someone dies. In order for us all to learn why this happens we need to seek out the basis of human nature in order to understand the whys. Why do life-long friends fade away after the loss of a spouse? Why do families fall apart after the death of a family member? Why do people choose to not bring up the subject of someone who has passed? Why do people walk away from their connections with others? I have had this happen to me and I have done some of these things too. All I can do is authentically share my experience and visions as to the “whys”. I am going to share higher visions that have been given to me by my angels and guides from all angles as best as I can.
The death dynamic in our human psyche is complicated and many of our behaviors as humans go back to prehistoric ancient times. We are genetically encoded with some of our primal behaviors and life and death seem to be very closely linked to these ancient reactions we have towards each other during the process of death and dying. None of what I am about to say excuses any hurt that any one person causes another, but what it may do is allow us to see into our core natures as human beings and to try and utilize this knowledge and understanding in gaining a perspective on the why’s. When we figure out the whys, we will have our answers to solve the problem. Then through intent and newly gained wisdom and goodwill we can go against our primal instincts and start to change our behaviors during and after the death of a loved one. Through mindful change of our behaviors with positive intent and action we can alter our DNA and start to heal this aspect of our collective natures and change the course of history, if I may be so boldly humble. We all have to gain from this because we will be affected by this event at some point in our lives and so the answer for “what’s in it for me?” becomes a solid, “Everything, the answer is everything.” Because in truth, we are all connected.
This journal is going to become a series because I have many angles to cover. This is the basis of a book I am writing about; grieving families in crisis. I have actually grown up with this experience my entire life. My early memories as a young child were watching my extended family fall apart after the death of my great-grandparents. I saw from an early age what happens to an immediate family and how the extended family feels the ripple effect. And now I am experiencing some of the same, some of my own doing, and some not. I feel I can offer my thoughts and experiences from one simple opinion from someone who’s been through the epicenter of grief, death, and family crisis. I will say I will never mention names here, as it is never my intention to bring shame on anyone. Like I said earlier, this is a universal experience and is very much a part of many people’s experiences. I am also not a perfect human being and to that end I am going to offer up my own shortcomings because I feel it is needed to see from a different angle and I have that to offer in truth. If I wasn’t authentic about my entire experience then I would only be telling half-truths and the intent of what I am trying to do would be lost and do nothing but sound like a big dose of blame.
This journal is already long but I am going to start scratching the surface of grief and friendship from my perspective. Remember above, Sue lost all her married friends. I don’t speak for everyone as this is not always the case, but I’ve read enough and heard enough and have experienced myself to know it’s possibly a universal feeling we have on both sides.
Possible From the Widow/Widower’s Point of View:
The newly widowed spouse has an outlook now of one. There are no longer 2 sets of eyes viewing her life, there is only one set of eyes~ to look back, to look into the future, to plan and to be in the present. All of this now is just through her eyes. The widowed spouse looks toward her friends that are married and feels the void beside her. Being in a room full of married couples now seems sad and lonely. So from a widowed spouse’s perspective it is hard to be around that and not feel the sting of the void. And everyone in the room feels that energy and their own uncomfortable energy that is flowing off us, and reasonably so. It’s that energy that we all feel that makes us all uncomfortable. And that’s were it all begins to end. From a quantum physics perspective, the energy that starts at this point is the beginning of the end of the relationship, as we know it. The healing and the mindfulness of this process will happen when this energy is faced by all, accepted, and communicated. Honest communication at this point becomes diffusion and can relax both souls into a higher understanding. When we are authentic about our feelings it removes the “big elephant in the room.”
Perhaps from the view of the Friend:
“I always saw them as a couple. It’s hard to look at her anymore without feeling pity and sadness that I cant ignore from the depths of my heart. Its painful to see her alone and it hurts me that we aren’t together anymore as a group and we miss him too. We are grieving the loss of our friend too.” So fun events start to decline in offers because people like this friend feel a disconnect from the widow/er. The relationship becomes one of “what can we do for you?” instead of planning a BBQ or talking about trips or kids; the normalcy is hard to get back. They can’t move past the sadness and redefine the friendship because the friend is also grieving the loss. Confusion can set in at this point making things even more difficult. The duality of both sides is so difficult and sad that they fall away and seek out support with those without the connection to the deceased spouse. It works both ways sometimes.
The widow/er can find true friendships soar during this time with those that only have a connection with themselves~ and not you with your spouse. This is a phenomenon I am seeing and reading about over and over again and also within my life. But to truly understand this fundamental law we need to fully understand the ancient history as to why this still continues. The answer and the solution lie in the understanding of where it came from. Once we discover these ancient human traits we then can fully integrate new ways of dealing with this and learn to react differently towards each other. There are ancient secrets we have yet to put together, but the funny thing is those of us who know parts of the answers are all around, yet we are just not talking to each other because grief is not fully accepted and observed like it should be.
Its much more simple and less complicated that we imagine. Within grief lies many of the world’s toughest questions that are answered so easily, simply, and truthfully. My hopes are that through my grief process and my gifts of being able to communicate with the Divine, this will allow me to open up this discussion as a means for healing. Through acknowledgement of fear, and mainly fear of death, we can change that fear into wisdom and bring about love and continuing connection. And if a healing connections are not possible, at least we have answers as to why. And that’s half the battle won. And at least knowing the answer to why allows in acceptance and healing can come faster for everyone.
If any of you out there have a grieving story to share, please reply and I will share your angle. The world needs to know so that we all may grow.
And I have one other point to make. When I say I can communicate with the Divine, it is simply that I can hear the answers and understand them quickly. After all, if you are spiritual or religious, you know we all talk and ask questions to God through our prayers. I just seem to be able to hear clearly and quickly when I do pray and ask. And I just believe through important events that have happened my life that my life’s purpose was to write and share.
One thought on “Sue’s Story and the Ripple Effect of Loss”
i appreciate your insight. your explanation of why married friends stop connecting makes alot of sense.
and i love your answer this circumstance:
“The healing and the mindfulness of this process will happen when this energy is faced by all, accepted, and communicated. Honest communication at this point becomes diffusion and can relax both souls into a higher understanding. When we are authentic about our feelings it removes the “big elephant in the room.”
i’ve always felt if people would just open up and communicate, express their needs/emotions… in close relationships, family relationships… and LISTEN when others TRY to communicate, there would be so much less pain, less hurt. so many times though, some find it so much easier to simply shut down, tune out and shut out. ignoring, avoiding and leaving those closest to them alone during difficult times.
this can destroy a friendship and/or relationship.
i just honestly don’t understand, have NEVER understood, how someone who professes to LOVE another can simply IGNORE that person when they are sad or hurting. just makes absolutely NO sense to me. if someone i truly love is hurting, i cannot ignore them. i cannot stop caring. i see no danger to me in reaching out, regardless how deep the emotion may get, how much of myself i have to give. the danger to me would be losing that person’s friendship or presence in my life. the “danger” to me would be allowing that person i love to feel like i DON’T love them. that would hurt more, cause me more stress and sleepless nights than taking the time to listen to the difficulties they are facing and finding the emotional energy for empathizing.
i look forward to your future writings on this.