Its been a tough couple of days for me. I don’t know why. Lots of triggers and sometimes not so good memories. Sometimes during the grief process not all of our memories are golden and cherished. Old wounds. Problems that never seemed to get resolved. No marriage is perfect on a daily basis and I have never spoken of this here on my blog for the main reason of honor, love, and respect.
But with doing this I must also be truthful to myself and to bring to light a key process of grief and recovery many go through that isn’t spoken about often. But in doing so I must also state that tonight while going through the memories and the current situation I find myself in I was looking for some songs and I just heard out of my head in a gentle soft voice ‘Send her my love”. Jordon sent me a song. The song’s title didn’t ring a bell to me and then when I saw it, I still didn’t know the lyrics until I played it. It stopped me dead in my tracks with tears pouring down my cheeks. All the words are real and of my collective experience with him and very much what he would say to me now…
What I will say about all of this is in the recesses of our personal lives and through the windows into our homes, we fight life’s battles with our families. We seek to heal our own lives with those we are closest to. Those most intimate connections we have bare the brunt of our externally impacted lives and we put trust into those we call family to help us through. Our loved ones take the full force often times of weakest points of the challenging aspects of our personalities. It’s in these relationships that we often grow and enrich our souls the most but often times its also cause of the most pain. Jordon was that energy for me and I was for him. When I feel anger or resentment or sadness thinking back at things that could have been different or better I remember the fact that he and I were there going through all that we did for a reason~ to be the mirrors to look into that we needed in order to heal and learn and love and to become better people.
I love you so much, Jordon.
For Better or For Worse.
Till death we parted.
And for ever more.