A vivid view into Anticipitory Grief. So much needs to be understood about this aspect of grief. We ride the waves of denial, shock, sadness, loss of dreams for our future, all of it. We learn compartmentalization of our days and weeks and live our futures out with touch points to the next scan or doctor visit. Our world becomes the roller coaster we all fear to ride. It throws us through it loops and jogs our minds. We know it will end and the ride will be over. Grief doesn’t begin when we step off. It begins when we step on. Let’s us give notice and honor this phase of our relationships we will all experience at some point. Let us bring awareness of its existence and tailor our approach to this sadness and disappointment differently. The root cause is not mental illness, but love.
The prognosis is bad. The cancer is late stage. The doctor spoke in an optimistic tone in September of 2008, yet we knew what was in store. We had just celebrated our third wedding anniversary Labor Day weekend.
From where I sit at my home desk now, 8 years later, I see him lying on the hospital bed set up for his end of life hospice care. He is snoring lightly, not the way he snored beside me for the better part of 13 years. I needed earplugs. He adjusted to my elbow nudge signal to roll over so I can sleep. Come to find out that nudge really annoyed him. Hurt sometimes too. Earplugs are something I no longer need, and I’m glad to be free of them.
The confounding part is that here we are. Here he is, the pillar of my world, lays dying. Frail where strength…
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