Our loved ones who pass on are still with us and are able to help. During the six weeks between my husband’s diagnosis till his death, I maybe slept an hour or two at a time. Jordon’s pain could not be kept up with and I was constantly having to change his medicine protocol so sleep really wasn’t much of an option. Oh yes. This is how end of days go for many of us who have loved ones pass away. There are doctor visits and home nurses that come to see us, but its the caregivers that have full responsibility. These are the things we don’t talk about much but we need to so that others can understand why we are the way we are now just a little better. I lost my sense of time completely during those six weeks. It had absolutely no meaning to me and its been real tough trying to get that back even after two and a half years. All I was focused on was the next hour of our lives- forced compartmentalization of the day for my mind. So sleep didn’t matter anymore. And yes, many caregivers of terminally ill people go through more than you can ever imagine. Because unlike doctors and ministers who work with the dying, we are working with our loved ones who are dying. Caregiving takes on a whole new meaning for those of us who go through something like this with someone we love.
For the last 2 weeks of Jordon’s life I didn’t know when I went to sleep as to whether or not he would still be alive next to me in the morning. That experience changed me for the rest of my life. And there are no words to describe it. BUT….Here’s my point. The days following Jordon’s passing I had an amazing peace come over me as I went to bed each night. Somehow I would fall into a dream like sleep and not even wake up with dreams or nightmares. Nothing. Just peace. And to have that happen can only be explained by the comfort they can bring us afterwards. Looking back it makes complete sense. And to be honest, I knew it then too. Jordon was always worried about my inability to sleep. And this was his way of caring for me.
Tonight my son had a terrible hand injury during a football game. A heavy 200 pound offensive lineman crushed his cleat onto the top of my son’s hand leaving every coach and doctor that saw him in the ER without a doubt that he had multiple breaks. BUT… They came back into the room and told him what a tough cookie he was with big strong bones. The X-ray showed no broken bones. And soon after we left the hospital the swelling went waaaaay down and he felt peaceful with very little pain.
Look, I believe. There is not room left in my mind that tells me otherwise that my husband and my son’s father is with us, watching over and protecting. I need to remember that more often. Thank you, Jordon. You amazed me in your life and you continue to amaze me now. Jackson and I love you.