grief spirituality death dying cancer coping

Accepting Belief Systems that Are Different from Our Own

/ Holly C Barker / 1 Comment

I am putting my belief system out front for a reason.  Not to convert you or to make you think the way I do.  I am modeling my example for everyone to see how this aspect of GA should work for the greater good of all of us.  I do not want people to have to “check their faiths or non-faiths, or belief systems at the door” before entering a meeting.  After all, Tenet #1 is belief in a higher power or consciousness.  I want to be crystal clear on this subject and it is non-negotiable in order for GA to function as a support organization.  My beliefs are unique to me.  And I know what I believe could come under some scrutiny.  Any one of us could become subject to judgement. And that is not allowed with GA.  We want diversity and acceptance.  We want everyone to show their colors and not be afraid.  But we must not impose our belief systems on others.  Grief is a powerful pain and many use faith as a means to work through their pain, including myself.  Others will take a different path and that is okay.  I think this could easily become the biggest hurtle we have to jump with this organization and that is why I am facing it head on.  My fear.. Tenet #6 is Facing your fears. And so by posting this I am facing my fears of chapters of GA’s having issues with people not accepting each others belief systems.  So I am sharing my fear with you today in order to move past it and forward.  And also sharing my belief system too so that people who are worried that others won’t accept them can see that even the founder of GA is unique.

I have a Christian heritage.  And a minor in religion from college.  I also have Native American ancestry.  I have sough God my whole life.  But I don’t believe there is only one way that gets you up to see the Big Guy.  Below is a prayer I heard through meditation.  My heritage is Native Cherokee.  I incorporate my heritage into my faith so that make me unique.  I want to be respected for my beliefs.  I do not want to force my beliefs on others.  I want to share my grief through my understanding of faith.  Others will want to share their grief through other religions or no belief in religion.  All that Tenet #1 states is belief in the energy of LOVE and how we individually define that love.  Because after all:

The very essence of grief is loss; loss over something that was and is still loved.

One must have loved in order to feel loss. When we don’t feel loss, then there is no grief.  And we are here because of grief.  So we are all here for the same reason.  We have all lost what we love.  And the core of GA is loss of our loved ones.  Tenet #1’s higher power is LOVE in all its forms.

Please, lets let in  love in all its forms.  And celebrate!  Again~ let us become a model for the world at large that is facing dark times.

My Native American Prayer for GA:

The death of a loved one brings on the storm. It rises over the mountains and covers the lake with its shadow. We are very affected by this storm. The wind brings in resentment. The cold rain brings in judgment; trickling uncomfortably down our backs. The mud beneath our feet that soaks in brings in the guilt and anger. This unforgiving riverbank, in the middle of this storm in life is hard to handle, I know . The rain beats at your face, cutting with sharp drops. The wind blows a chill through your body. The clouds make life hard to see to the other side where the sunlight is breaking through.

The Great Spirit wants you to know that you are never alone. He is with you always holding your hand and loving you through the storm. Storms are a necessity in life. They bring in the water and purify the air. They wash away the old and bring forth the new. Know this process is here for you to learn and to grow and to love. You are an old soul to choose a life of loss and grief. You are ascending in this life cycle and learning life’s lessons from farther up the continuum. Take the pain and sorrow you feel and use it to develop compassion and understanding for others. Take the love in your heart and fill it with more souls so you don’t feel the void’s bite. Take the sting from your memory and let it be sent to Mother Earth for absorption, transmutation, and diffusion. Like I am in the sky, allow Mother Earth to ground you as you move forward in this new life of yours. Ground yourself with her energy and bring your life back through the life force in nature. Take walks. Breathe deeply. Think deeply. Look up into the Heavens and see us in the clouds, rainbows, and stars. We can speak to you more fully when you engage us there. Listen with an open heart and with faith that we will always be with you. Guiding you. Loving you. Amen.

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Simple Rules to Live By For A Complicated Life

/ Holly C Barker / Leave a comment

Let’s face it, life can be very complicated and painful at times. The simple sharing of pure complicated emotion through art, dance, music, writing, and poetry is cathartic and allows in healing. People are innately interested in and gravitate towards raw, unfiltered truth about life and anything less is…..less.

Some love is worth fighting for.  Some love is not.  Hold the love you fight for and bless the love you let go of. The wisdom is to live the difference and to know and accept that it’s all love in the end.

Its okay to cry.  I do all the time.  It’s a gift given to us by God through our eyes to release all that we feel and see that hurts us. Tears are the salty purification process of the soul.

Sometimes the best thing to do when life is complicated and hard is to swing from that chandelier!  Doing what feels good is good for the soul, even if its temporary.

The singing, music, artistry and dancing in these videos is so powerful and moving and is so reflective of my personal grief experience and thus is healing.  To see and hear this is to know that I am not alone in this human experience of grief.

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HO’OPONOPONO, the forgiveness prayer

/ Holly C Barker / Leave a comment

  
For the second day in a row a journal of mine called “Mind Stumbling”, after comments were posted, has had over 100 visits. I am going to state my position on these comments moving forward. A person in my late husband’s immediate family used a fake name and created an email address to post a vicious little message to me this week in response to this journal that was written weeks after my husband passed away. This person I have not communicated with for about a year now so the comments coming after a year in my opinion are unprovoked. This person has stated that the pain I am causing is immeasurable. That I rejected family after my husband’s death. If you are going to go on a pubic domain and state this using a fake name then it deserves a clear and direct response not under the guise of sideways communication. I will not walk away from this. I will openly respond back because you used my website and my name.

I am not responsible for your pain. I am also not responsible for your happiness. You yourself must come to terms with your behaviour, actions, and your grief. We are all accountable for our own decisions and choices. Your actions over the years, during my husband’s illness, and after my husband’s death were an overwhelming reason for me to lay an unhealthy relationship down. I am going through pain and healing and moving forward and I have chosen to do this without communication with you for healthy, positive reasons. It is my choice and I have a right to choose that. Your choice to “cyber bully” me will be on display so the choice is yours and your significant other as to whether or not you both want to continue. The number one way to demotivate darkness is to bring in the light.

  
Forgiveness and peace can come from both sides. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean restored relationships, it can mean this: through acceptance of what has transpired, forgiveness for the human condition, and asking for peace we can find happiness. Sometimes people are put in our path for learning and when that lesson is learned, we can accept, forgive, and move onward with gratitude for the experience and wisdom. This is how I view us. I am going to say an open prayer from an ancient Hawaiian custom that is sacred. It calls forth Divinity to ask for healing among souls. I am going to do this publicly because I want to state that these situations are a very common occurrence when someone dies in a family. Families fall apart often times and the pain stretches out sometimes for generations. My prayer is for myself, for you, and this family and all those out there that are hurting over grief and loss.

So, Adam_kw@yahoo.ca, aka Whois.arin, aka R. Jected this is for us, for family, and for everyone.

HO’OPONOPONO

Divine Creator,
Father, Mother, and Son as ONE:

If I, my family, relatives and ancestors have offended you, your family, relatives and ancestors in thoughts, deeds and actions from the beginning of our creation to the present,
We ask your forgiveness.
Let this cleanse, purify, release, and cut all negative memories, blocks, energies and vibrations and transmute these unwanted energies to pure light.
And it is done.

I’M SORRY
PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I FORGIVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
THANK YOU

AMEN

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Grief Survival 101- Walking the Tightrope of Internal and External Expectations

/ Holly C Barker / Leave a comment

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You have found your footing on this rope. It is what you have been given to stand on. The rope is harsh against your feet and it doesn’t feel good. But the rope is sturdy and it fits your feet. God planned it this way~ he wouldn’t give you a rope that was impossible to walk on. You are looking out ahead of you to see the big picture of your life. On each side of the rope lies a different view. Your job is to navigate this rope, to reach the other side. You’ve been given a balancing stick to help you balance your steps as you are moving forward. The stick is your guide, your conscience, you faith. When you lean too far right, the stick dips to the left helping you to balance as you move above the abyss below you. You are ready and you take your first step in this new life of yours.

The vast spaces to your left and your right are the expectations you put on yourself and of the expectations that others have of you. You are being watched. You are conscious of your new life and the other side’s expectations of you and how they see this situation you are in high up on this tightrope. Both, through this process of grief and loss, will pull at you and bring you off balance. Expectations, outside of simple, fundamental truths, are external and internal forces of energy that rely on a future value that doesn’t exist. How can you or anyone have an expectation of how to feel, how to act, how to grieve. When we focus on these influential spaces we pull our eyes, mind, and feet away to give energy to a space of expectation. This space will disrupt you and pull you left or right and away from your center, your true self. Too much focus on either side and you will fall. The tightrope is your gift from God. Your stick is the conscience mind he gave you to balance. Your feet keep you in the physical. Your eyes are the communicators and connectors to your body to help you focus on the big picture. Look up and out and you will find your truth. Look down and you will lose it.

As you are walking this tightrope, you will come across negative energies of expectation both from others and from yourself. Outward remarks from others will say things to you to make you second-guess your steps. Your ear will hear them and your body will intrinsically bend in that direction pulling you out of balance. You might second-guess your decisions, as you don’t have that living, breathing soul next to you anymore helping you navigate. Two trusting souls leaning on each other find a more steady balance and you are now without that other half. You must learn to steady yourself as you are on your own now and your decisions are yours. Be careful as you can pull yourself over from insecurity and doubt and loose your footing on the rope.

This is life. This is the test, this tightrope. The key to walking the tightrope is inner balance, courage, forward focus, and movement towards what you feel is good and right for you without the interference from outside energy. As you practice this centered focus you will gain strength and balance. You will become more assured of your space, your footsteps, and your mind. Your faith will grow and you will move with grace and sure-footedness on this tightrope. You will block out the negativity and the balance-altering pull of opinion and diversion. You will be able to see it for what it is. You will see the concern, the doubt, the good and bad intentions from others, and personal views that do not serve you. Above you is the Light shining down on you to guide the way. Follow this Light as it beams into your heart exposing the truth that you are good and deserving and whole. It will pull you forwards helping to balance you and settle you. It will soothe your feet so you don’t feel the harshness of the rope. We are not given the view of the end of the rope for the light shines too brightly and it is not ours to know. But when we do reach the end, we ourselves will become the light we have followed and join in the connection and the only pull we will feel is LOVE.

Our New Normal

/ Holly C Barker / 3 Comments

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I know I haven’t been posting much lately. It’s hard to write when you’re treading through life’s watery challenges. Instead of writing about the challenge of not sinking I’m actually into the act of finding a shoreline. Sometimes the reality of earthly matters needs to be attended to. If I sink, I cannot write; therefore I seek the shore.

I’m learning a lot about myself lately and I thought I would write it out so I can see it in front of me. The written word brings emotion and thought to life. It will be a good reminder as I have a real problem with staying on track with all that I want to do. I’m somewhat of a perfectionist and I need a clean slate and an organized environment in order to function. You see~ my mind never shuts off. There is so much I want to accomplish and I am hopeful that it all will come to fruition. But life keeps getting in the way and it is my own decisions about life that keeps my path full of distractions.

Let me explain myself. I am a member of several grief groups online, mainly on Facebook. They are closed groups and I have the opportunity to really see how other’s lives play out after the loss of a loved one. Most of us are the same in many facets. Moving, forced transition, emotional challenges, family issues, new decisions, packing, unpacking, re-organizing our lives…. It happens for years for some people and I am no different. I am getting ready to move to a new city and a new home for my son and I. My story might be fairly unique but in the big picture, probably not.

I am from the USA and I married an awesome Canadian guy. He loved the south and all things southern. I think in a past life he was a southern boy as he was completely immersed in our culture here and he fought the pull to bring him back north. Our little family back in 2009 went on a vacation trip to a cottage in western Ontario that solidified our need to move there. Jordon finally submitted and followed us to our new home in Canada. Now that I have a wider and higher view of the events that transpired in our lives, I know he went home so he could spend the last five years of his life around friends and family and the work that he loved. I am grateful for this happening and it changed my life for the better too. All things happen for a reason, and our Higher Power knew this was what needed to happen.

Now things are vastly different. I found myself alone, in a foreign country without family nearby, navigating through paperwork and laws and doing everything myself. I told myself~ I’m never leaving here. We are happy still. This is Jackson’s home. I really tried to stay but it was not in the cards for us, and I became another statistic of those affected by the death of a spouse. The bottom line is no place we live will stop the pain and fill the void of Jordon not being in our lives. We cannot find the perfect house or the perfect neighborhood that will make things different for us. No amount of family, friends, or parties will take away the feeling of there being something vital missing in our lives. Jackson and I both are finally starting to settle into what we now know as Our New Normal. It is a hard understanding to accept. It was not given to us gently, as we crash-landed last year. We are slowing. We are taking a breather right now. We are absorbing reality. We both have been on the move, heavily distracted by the flux in our lives and now we are resting for a bit and taking in the heaviness of loss. Fast moving decisions, changes, and rapid days of being busy with sports and living life had to come to a resting point as its impossible to continue to move at the pace we were in. But I don’t fault it. It saved us.

The pace helped us to not sit and get stuck. Getting stuck is the space where roots grow quickly in sinking sand and it does nothing but drown out the lives of those who choose not to move forward. It is akin to a living death and thank goodness we choose forward motion. I will go back there to try and help my brothers and sisters who choose to stay. I just need desperately to find my resting point, my home for the time being, to write and to heal, and to help.

The water is calling me. The sun is beckoning for us to come and join. The friendly faces and this new place are welcoming and comforting. All is new here and there are no memories. Sometimes for those that are grieving loss~ moving somewhere where there are no memories or memories from those you interact with~is really good for the soul. It is a true starting-over point and it creates a paradigm shift in healing. “For now, this is your new space,” the Higher Ups are saying. The message I am hearing loud and clear is this is your new landing pad to write, to rest, to heal, to get healthy, and most importantly~ to continue to be a mother to the best kid on the planet.

My prayer is adjust to this new life, this new normal, this new community for the healing sake of myself and for Jackson. Please give me the time, energy, and focus to do all the important tasks that lay before me so that I may give back, share, and help. And God, please give those who are drowning in memories a shoreline to reach and give me a boat to help you.

Amen.