For Better or For Worse

Its been a tough couple of days for me.  I don’t know why.  Lots of triggers and sometimes not so good memories.  Sometimes during the grief process not all of our memories are golden and cherished.  Old wounds.  Problems that never seemed to get resolved.  No marriage is perfect on a daily basis and I have never spoken of this here on my blog for the main reason of honor, love, and respect.

But with doing this I must also be truthful to myself and to bring to light a key process of grief and recovery many go through that isn’t spoken about often. But in doing so I must also state that tonight while going through the memories and the current situation I find myself in I was looking for some songs and I just heard out of my head in a gentle soft voice ‘Send her my love”. Jordon sent me a song.  The song’s title didn’t ring a bell to me and then when I saw it, I still didn’t know the lyrics until I played it.  It stopped me dead in my tracks with tears pouring down my cheeks.  All the words are real and of my collective experience with him and very much what he would say to me now…

What I will say about all of this is in the recesses of our personal lives and through the windows into our homes, we fight life’s battles with our families.  We seek to heal our own lives with those we are closest to.  Those most intimate connections we have bare the brunt of our externally impacted lives and we put trust into those we call family to help us through.  Our loved ones take the full force often times of weakest points of the challenging aspects of our personalities.  It’s in these relationships that we often grow and enrich our souls the most but often times its also cause of the most pain.  Jordon was that energy for me and I was for him.  When I feel anger or resentment or sadness thinking back at things that could have been different or better I remember the fact that he and I were there going through all that we did for a reason~ to be the mirrors to look into that we needed in order to heal and learn and love and to become better people.

I love you so much, Jordon.

For Better or For Worse.

Till death we parted.

And for ever more.

The “Perfect” Marriage

No marriage is perfect. Or better yet, the term “perfect” when it comes to marriage needs to be redefined. My definition of perfect was totally different. Jordon and I were two alpha peas just trying to get along in a little pod. We were madly in love with each other and crazy jealous and protective of what we had. But we could scrap it out like there was no tomorrow. I even got so mad at him one night I cleared a coffee table with one sweep of my arm. Wine glasses, remotes, and coasters and whatever smashed everywhere. God that felt good. And you know what? We had a good laugh afterward and we never forgot it. The perfect marriage is not about always getting along with each other and living in La La Land. That is complete BS and if you think all your neighbors around you have it any different, guess what – they don’t.

My marriage to Jordon was perfect. We laughed together, cooked together, loved together, parented together, and we also fought like cats and dogs. He always took care of me and Jackson, and in the end I took care of him and held his hand and said “I love you”. He challenged my flaws, and I helped him overcome the obstacles he faced. We made each other look in the mirror at ourselves to try and be better people. We truly lived out our vows to each other.

To have and to hold.

For richer or poorer.

In sickness and in health.

Forsaking all others.

Til’ death do us part.

Back to basics like I always say. The truth is simplistic. Be there for each other the best way you know how.