Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. This picture represents so much to me. Renewal, hope, transformation, spirit, tenacity, experience, will, focus and intent, forgiveness, purple- highest heavenly colour, and adversity and acceptance. It is all beautiful and it is all true. Life captured in nature. Cycles of hardship and happiness. Endurance as well as frailty. It is the here and now, living in today and not focusing on the past or the future, but giving rise to possibilities. Lastly, it is God’s grace upon us showing us that life continues and from that- gratitude back with an open heart.
Well today was an interesting day. Lots of emotions today as I went to my cousin’s wedding. I was completely fine until the vows.
To have and to hold.
In sickness and in health.
Till death do us part.
I never imagined living out all of my vows so early in my life. But- life continues. Happiness and hope continues. I’m in a really good place surrounded by special people I could have never imagined to even hope for. What a blessing. A second chance. Carpe Deim.
Now I am travelling home and Jackson and I once again came across an amazing rainbow. A fitting end for the day. As it was, we didn’t get a good picture of it because we were in the car and it was raining. I have to say this year I have literally seen more rainbows in the last two months than I have my entire life. I’m tired, weary, and ready to be home…. Back to good and I am smiling..
It is possible to live parallel lives. To me it is a blessing and a gift that God places in our hearts and minds for all of us. It is a healing and calming and coping mechanism for survival. I have spoken of it in the past- living “as if”. The need to put yourself where you want to be and living that life until you emotionally, physically, and mentally are ready to catch up to it. It is my saving grace- and Jackson’s too. It is possible in the same day to feel indescribably low and sad and then remind yourself of your “other life” and let it lift you up and out into happiness and peace. Jackson and I do this all the time. As an example- Jackson twisted his knee this weekend and has been on crutches ever since Sunday. After a couple of days we realized he wasn’t healing well we went to the children’s hospital. You don’t know when grief will hit you as you are living the “as if” life. Well, it hit us both as soon as we entered the hospital parking lot. I parked my car at the ER doors. I went to get a wheelchair. The absence and void hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m doing this alone- a sports injury with my 11 year old son at the hospital doors- the last place I want to be right now. It’s just us here with Jackson’s injury. It hit Jackson too. As he was lying on the hospital bed he looked at me and said “I’m angry at God. Why does he have to take the good people? Why did he take my Dad?” How do I answer that question? As soon as he said that shivers came over him and his teeth started chattering and I asked him if he was cold and did he need a blanket? He said “No.” He wasn’t cold, it was Jordon coming in to comfort him, letting him know he is there. He is always watching over Jackson. I told Jackson what was really happening at the moment and he settled down and a peace came over his face and we gave each other a hug. I am doing well on a personal level for myself- but with all things Jackson-related these things shatter me in a million pieces. But with grace, faith, and the love I feel for those around me, as soon as those pieces hit the floor somehow miraculously they bind back up and I am whole again. That’s what grief is to me- the momentary shattering and through love- the restoration afterwards. Breaking and binding. Sickness and then healing. Continuous learning and building upon the last experience. We both feel strong now- it is amazing to think what life will continue to evolve into in the future. I feel nothing but hope and gratitude in the end.
I love you Jackson- more than my heart can bare. Xo
The World Cup. All are gathered in anticipation for the final game. It is a synchronic communion cup passed and shared in love among all countries and is inclusionary. Who are the players and why is soccer so important to the world at large? Simple. It is inclusionary. Soccer gathers all from all points of the earth to come together for the game. It is pure. Anyone, homeless orphan to multimillionaire has access to a ball, a field, and friends. Soccer is the sport of life. The playing field in soccer is levelled and the true best of the best rise to greatness. Everyone gets a shot at greatness. Other sports are wonderful, but due to many reasons are exclusionary in nature- money, time, travel permit only those with access to those elements. Other sports only show you partial truths as not everyone can show up to compete. Soccer is a sports metaphor for spiritual attainment and enlightenment. Everyone has access. It brings the world together and ignites passion and connection.
We are all players on the field. Running. Kicking. Diving. Passing. We move and stretch ourselves to our limits. It is a human dance done with grace and agility showing truth in action. The ball bouncing and soaring shows the unpredictability in life. We condition our minds and bodies to respond rather than react. Responding keep you ahead of the play and in control of you mind and actions. Reacting has you missing the point. The net. Not getting there in time and watching and missing an important opportunity go past you. When connecting with family, friends, strangers, loved ones- respond with positive intent and you will land your goal.
There is a different definition of grief that I have decided to adhere to- what it means for me and how I have decided to embrace it. A grief counsellor told me two months ago exactly what was going to happen to me, my stages that I would go through, and that I was going to hit rock bottom in about 3 months. Really? Wow- without even knowing me she said that- albeit with good intent, which I understand. But I also believe negativity, doubt, and worry lead one to self-fulfilling prophecies. This journal might get preachy- and I am sorry for that, but I know differently. I am now starting month three and I am feeling stronger, happier, and emotionally and spiritually and physically healthy. I am proving her wrong. 🙂
Labels and stages, as so many like to define grief by, are not levels- and grief to me is levels. Levels with the ability to step up and forward or step back and down, or sideways- however many times and as how often as we need to. It doesn’t matter and it is a life-long process. There is no order to follow and no expectations that should be placed. What matters is keeping your eye on the end point- which is the beginning point to your new understanding and an appreciation for all the blessings in your life. Defining grief by normal standards is like pinning it to mean, median, or mode. We are all different and unique in our grief experience and to choose one point value for all is simply not right. Case in point. I just made a new friend last month. She is close to my age. She has 3 younger children. Her husband of 45 years of age passed away suddenly without any warning from a brain aneurysm. She didn’t have time to prepare or to say to him what she wanted to say. I had eight years to ground myself in knowing what might happen. She’s at a different level. Not a different “stage”. How should she define her grief? Both our vantage points are drastically different, but no less painful than one another.
I feel the missing link to all the writers and teachers of grief is the overwhelming connection to spirituality we have. Death is a crossing over not a “dead and gone”. When we pay attention to the signs from above we see and feel the continuum and learn to love and embrace the fact that we are never alone. There is no disconnection, but there is a physical separation that is inescapably painful beyond belief for a lot of people. It is fire in the heart. I am afraid that this is where so many of us get stuck. We have to change our perspective on grief and understand there is a physical separation but the connection will always be there. We can learn to live in that connection and not in the separation. My healing has come so fast and I will not fall victim to the mass definition and expectation of what has happened. My choice, because I have one, is to live in that connection to Jordon, to move forward with my new life and all that it gives to me and Jackson, and not the separation.
I was praying in meditation today. It was a personal prayer. I went outside to breathe in some fresh air and this was my view from my front porch. I am so thankful and blessed with the people in my life.
Quote from Doreen Virtue-
Since the time of Noah’s ark, rainbows have been symbolic of God’s promise of love, care, support, and protection. When you ask the angels for a sign and you see a rainbow, it signals that your entire situation is being taken care of by them. Albino rainbows, double rainbows, and moonbows (rainbows appearing at night under the moonlight) are all so unusual that they leave no doubt as to their significance. Rainbows are not only signs, but also gifts of encouragement and guidance from the other side.
It is the basis of healing. The ground floor of the elevator. The floor of the elevator comes to stop, you hear the bell “bing”, and the door opens. Your new reality awaits you. You step out and the sun is shining so brightly and you have trouble focusing. You feel a little confused and disoriented in terms of where you are now. You look around and start to orient yourself to this new view.
You know you’re in a building and you know you are okay. You are breathing and you can feel. You can see your hands and hear your voice. Life is not over for you. Your life is now different. 180 degrees. A paradigm shift in thinking has just arrived at the door of your mind. You realize your choices are now yours to some extent. You own them as they are not shared with the person who is not leaving with you out of this building. It is hard to leave because you came in together, and now you are leaving by yourself. But you do it. You do it because you have no choice. Acceptance is the key here. It is the key that opens that door to your mind to allow the paradigm shift in thinking to take place.
I accept what has happened. My mind is full of gratitude, love, and peace. I am going to allow some space for grief and sadness and I will give it away at the end of the day. I will breathe it out. It will not take root in my mind and leave me stuck in one spot. I am moving forward and looking ahead at my life. I have so much to be grateful for. Jackson. My home. My community. My friends. My family. My job. My health. My strength and new understanding. With acceptance comes healing. With healing comes happiness.
I’m burning some sage leaves today while sitting at my desk. Yesterday was a bad day but it needed to happen and I am looking to clear the negative energy away and bring in the positive. Clearing with sage is an ancient practice followed by many cultures and most religions and it settles the soul, clears the air, and invites in peace. I want to write about a vision of physical and spiritual connectedness I had while sitting with a special friend. I am so grateful for the people in Jackson and my life. I feel richly blessed and I wonder if I will ever be able to give back what I have received.
Most of us think that gifts of psychic abilities, clairvoyance, “knowings”, visions, and intuitive understandings are for a selected few people or those of us who have a gift. I want to share what my beliefs are about this phenomenon. I believe we are all gifted and this is all normal, and we have looked to others and to the writings of our faiths for example when they are often right in front of our faces. We all have a “6th” sense if you will and the vast majority of us have ignored it or not spoken openly about it with others. When I talk with friends and people I meet without a filter in my heart I hear amazing stories all the time of people seeing a grandparent that has passed away and suddenly appeared during a time of crisis. Others talk about their signs they have seen, dreams, intuitions, and stories they keep closely guarded and not talked about as to not be seen as “crazy”. This needs to stop and the doors of our hearts need to open. Miracles, experiences, and visions need to be on the open market. The stories didn’t end with the Bible. They are all around us everyday, we just need to be open and accepting and notice.
I want to give you two amazing examples of the spiritual, emotional, and physical connectedness we all have in their most simplistic forms. We see them and experience them all the time but perhaps not fully being aware of what is really happening. My favorite example of this is when a child has scraped his knee on the concrete and he is in physical and emotional pain from his experience. He comes in and you sit him up on the counter and you wash his little wound, give it a little disinfection treatment, and then put a band-aid on. But he really doesn’t stop crying until you kiss the band-aid and assure him it will be okay. You are healing him physically- but mostly he believes and knows the kiss is what heals. That is spiritualty at its highest form. You, as the parent, heal. Your actions heal. Your love heals. Children know this and believe it because their hearts are pure and accepting.
Another example remains one of my favorites of spiritual and physical connectness. Often times when a wife is pregnant the husband will take on the emotional and physical pains of his wife. Jordon did this. His appetite increased, even his cheeks were puffy by the end of the nine-month process. He often felt what I felt. During that time his “empathic 6th” senses were on high alert. He was amazingly connected to our process on a physical and emotional level. How does that happen? What does it say? The memory makes me smile and now the positive energy is flowing back in and I am going to go about my day now…..
I want to state my beliefs first. I believe in the universe, energy, God, spirit, focus, intent, and love. Pain and grief is a cleanser allowing you to enter and achieve a greater understanding of the process in life and why we are here. This process is the reason why the good die young. Have you ever met someone who right away you felt a connection and that you knew them? They felt familiar and comforting to some place deep inside your mind? There is a reason for that- we do know them. I believe we are all on a continuum and a journey and sometimes we go through our lives here on earth weaving in and out with the same people, yet choosing different lives to live to enrich our souls and to gain different perspectives that help us learn and to move farther on that continuum. I believe we all chose what we want and need and accept the challenge and then through birth we forget. That’s where free will comes into play and choices are made- life is a test and a journey.
I also believe there are no hierarchies in heaven and we are all on a continuum towards oneness with God and Spirit and each other. I think Jordon is far up the chain. He chose his path of difficulties for a reason and so do we all. Jordon chose the tougher path to gain a better understanding and a deeper meaning here on earth. His death serves as a reminder and a guide to us as to what is important and what to focus on. Anytime someone who is young and good dies young- it hits us all. The “why”question always comes into our minds. It causes a chain reaction of souls here on earth to understand the importance in life that they might not have otherwise understood by taking for granted the gifts around them or living in assumption that nothing will ever change. This can be mourned, but what can happen is a positive energy can overcome and an understanding and appreciation can develop. The choice is ours to take and we can see the beauty and majesty of our gifts on earth as it is in heaven.
I will give you an analogy of why the good die young. His death serves as a lighthouse. We are all on a boat at night. Look up and look out for there is a lighthouse guiding us around the rocks and craggy shoals of life. Soon we realize the triviacy of everyday problems, and our focus and path becomes clear. We begin to keep our eyes on the light it sends us. It casts out light-circling, warning, and guiding us to a safer shore. We now understand our course and know we are nearer to the truth and how to navigate our lives in a more steady and true direction. When someone good dies young it is a great sacrifice for our greater good-
The waves around the lighthouse serve us as well. Their rippling effect casts out waves that start where they begin and flow back to other shores across the sea-sharing what is learned by all, touching, and causing impact. If you feel this impact, that is good. Jordon is now my lighthouse and maybe he is for others too. I love my lighthouse.